[Ray and Janay Rice walk into the commissioners office to find Goodell sitting in a large ornate chair]

But you see, weed uppercuts your life!

Bird: Don't get too close guys. I heard you can die from contact.

Jobs Erin Andrews Could Hold At Higher Weights, Ranked:

Jesus Christ this guy needs to make up his mind. Should a sideline reporter be gutless or not?

In wanting to keep showing his Browns' pride, he later shit the bed.

I think the real trophy is the outstanding education each and every one of these student-athletes earn at their respective NCAA® institution of higher learning.

I'm not being serious, serious people wear camo.

A move like this does minimal cap damage this year, especially with it going up and Detroit has a bunch of young guys on entry level deals. Next year they will lose $1 million off the cap, not huge. What it does for the team is shows young players, such as Tomas Tatar, that Detroit is loyal to its players and will…

LeBron James Saves Cleveland Sports Illustrated

In an office somewhere in Miami, Pat Riley's trembling hand moves his mouse forward, to the font drop-down, and selects "Comic Sans"

Bath police is what my uncle used to call it :(

I can support this decision; every time I fly to Los Angeles I see lax security.

I thought you needed three rings for a circus.

DEAR RED WINGS, PLEASE SIGN NISKANEN THANKS.

At times like this I wish that soccer had hockey style enforcers. It would be great to watch someone beat the ever living shit out of Suarez.

Bradley fucked us all game. Watch the whole ending sequence. He misplays and then just loafs, which is what allowed Portugal's long pass and goal.

He was also terrible the first game. I hope Klinsmann benches him for Germany.