Where’s George Carlin when you need him? Dead, I know, but “active shooter” certainly seems like a “PIN number”-level redundancy all over again. And if it’s a murder-suicide, the shooter is no long active as they’re no longer shooting, it’s an inactive dead person.

If you check the local reporting, it was a perfect storm of Marshawnian non-answers (and in some cases like Dwight, disappearances) after the Rockets chucked their chance to get swept by the Warriors in the terlet by losing to the bloful Suns.

We’re all going to have egg on our faces when that bicycle-powered spaceship to Blisstonia blasts off.

You can even call on Sunday, girl.

Religions are cults given sufficient popularity and time; it’s like restaurants (90% of them fail in their first year).

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has named Jesse Ventura/Alex Trebek in full Man in Black regalia co-chairs of his proposed Interstellar Security Department.

There’s no way they’re not just time-traveling Earthicans/Earthican descendents and the absolute secrecy and memory wipes are there to prevent pollution of the time-stream

Good luck to him as he starts his own people-powered transportation company, D’Brickashaw’s Rickshas.

I thought that was being paid off with a small envelope full of Saget million dollar bills

It appears as though they’ve been acquired by the Chuck E. Cheese Corporation. Well good luck, Chuck.

Are you suggesting that Gawker Brand Recognition Bucks with Nick Denton in three-quarters profile on the virtual bills aren’t enough?

It’s like Wehrner von Braun being embroiled in a class action lawsuit for designing the V-2 rockets that slammed into the English landscape to help the Nazis as he’s developing the rocket that will launch the Mercury capsules into space. His fall guy was Klaus, a sweetly touched older man who loved to push the V-2…

Tie the continuity of the show in with The Lost Boys, claim he was dispatched as the head vampire.

I mean this would be like Slipknot re-forming for a reunion tour and the guy in the steampunk gas mask isn’t there, I’d be all like what the fuck, I paid $8 and had to wait in line for 2 hours at the Shithole County Fairgrounds to see this.

I thought Louisiana Tech was just an example of an oxymoron.

Bomani: They’re not just going to set money on fire

(turns in a scorecard that reads 67 with a birdie on the 1st hole)

(millennial scoff) More like Just Shoot Me, and by me I mean me, not the models, and with a gun and not a camera, but not really, because the phrase is more a hyperbolic expression of exasperation than a command to be literally obeyed.

Jason Whitlock’s next column, “An Out-of-Shape Serena’s Dancing Is Not Solid Gold,” nearly writes itself.

“Take notes, Houston”