Pictured: the sum-total of Roger Goodell’s average work day without the ability to arbitrarily dish out player discipline.

Not since McKinley danced on top of Scott Joplin’s piano as the composer unveiled the sprightly “Rose Garden Rag” in 1898.

There’s a lesson in all this: if you’re going to be a lightweight floating to the top of the GOP manure pile, it’s best to have a multi-generational dynastic support structure replete with war criminals from previous Administrations.

This is the most confusing headline since that dude named Future was involved with something we’ve all forgotten about by now.

Unless his Wonderlic score indicates some sort of proto-mentalist/mind-clouding powers, he’s not getting Brock Osweiler money*.

Part of the legacy is taking a shot after saying “Andrew Breitbart.”

At this rate every remaining staffer will have to manufacture the bullshit of three.

There’s a lesson in this: never hire a person named like a Tom Robbins character.

Serenity meow.

Finally, a new slogan for my hometown of Austin (“Home of the All-Day Traffic Jam” is getting a little tired): “Palo Alto 2.0"

Well of ~course~ it’s (scary Halloween font) PROBLEMATIC or else it wouldn’t be in a post, would it? Fait accompli!

I got a “Don’t Say Maybe, Still Awaiting Response As To Whether Your Sweet Love Will Save Me” XXL, a/k/a the Forever 21 Glenn Frey tribute shirt

bouncyimpatientscowlingmanchild.com ?

Ronald Reagan kicked off his ‘80 campaign at the place where civil rights workers were killed (Neshoba County, Mississippi) talking about “states’ rights.” The Southern Strategy goes back to ‘68. Jim Crowism goes back to the 1870s. Before that it’s a little fuzzy.

Well, succeeding with the quarter of Americans who self-ID as GOPers, and probably a sliver of those at that. Put another way, the headline could replace “Donald Trump is Succeeding..” with “The GOP Continues to Exist..”

(CBS exec sees that the 4-hour Oscars got roughly three times the ratings) (filament light bulb goes off over his head)

Isn’t that Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s cat’s name? Related: My cat loves flapjacks.

I for one like the new “Deserted the French Navy by Jumping Overboard and Then Being Stranded On a Desert Island for Months” look.

“Fuck him, he’ll never set foot on this campus again“ said Jim Capulet, Associate Dean of Students.

In fairness, he should be called Snowball II (Snowball I was in fact an all-white cat)