Nothing does a better job of proving that wealth does not equal intelligence than nouveau riche franchise owners and the utter incompetence they surround themselves with.

This was the summer of 2000.

I mean, I met him once 15 years ago while high as a kite, but sure.

My friends were very conscientious of the idea that people who smoke for the first time often don’t get high, so they coached me through deep breathing, and we hotboxed his car until the air was nearly solid. We ended up listening to Dark Side of the Moon twice in a row. The final song was punctuated by my friend…

I grew up in Hillsboro, the town Rowdy settled down in and where he raised his kids. I never met him or knew anyone who did until the summer after my Senior year in High School, which was during the peak of Degeneration X/the Rock, so I was very much into wrestling but didn’t know much about its past. That summer I…

Jesus Christ I haven’t laughed that hard in months. If our new robotic overlords are always that funny I say bring on the purges and death by lasers!

Yup. I pitched in HS and college and hit a batter in the head once. I felt so bad about it I completely lost my shit and pulled myself after walking the next two guys. It’s the worst feeling ever. You would have to be a real monster to intentionally do that. If I needed to hit someone I always aimed for the butt,…

No no, Mars is in regression, which means we’re playing under Marquisse du Queensbury rules until the unnamed Orphan finds the ox-bone in his cake, at which point we revert to the original unwritten rules, carried by a blind mystic who pronounces who shall be hit and when from his cave high in the Andes.

That definitely happened. I have friends in Milwaukee who are aghast at the damage Walker has done to their state in the service of his own ego, but the thing they are most upset about is this bullshit stadium deal. It’s gotten so bad that even my friends republican relatives are pissed that Walker and the legislature…

Even worse is Scott Walker’s plan to gut living wage requirements to free up some budget space so he can give 250 million to some billionaires for their toy sports team. That way his giveaway can stay “budget neutral” and satisfy the dictats of our unelected emperor Grover Norquist. Also, it hurts poor people, which…

The summer between Sr. year of High School and going away to College my friends and I went all out for a fireworks jam. You can buy good fireworks just across the state line in Vancouver, so we trekked up there, bought a trunk load, and spent the next week in my friend’s dad’s garage, modifying and “improving” the…

I generally enjoy the beers Mikkeller puts out, but a single hop Simcoe sounds terrible. Simcoe is a big fat juice bomb of mango and other overly sweet tropical fruits. Deschutes makes a similar one hop beer with Simcoe and it’s like eating a mango I found under the front seat of my car during a hot summer day.…

Yikes. I remember how terrifying being a brand new driver was. I could barely handle multiple lane intersections (I once stalled my ‘76 Rabbit in the middle of a major intersection and completely froze until some kind stranger got out of his car and drove me to the side of the road). That must have been intense.

You’re probably just suffering from catastrophic pothole withdrawal. I’ve driven in both cities and while Portland requires you add 10 minutes to every single trip, no matter the distance, I’d much rather drive with slow, courteous drivers than the maniacs I’ve encountered in the midwest. Something about huge expanses…

Oooh, we should use this post to talk about our student driver fails. I was driving some econobox outfitted with a passenger brake around suburban Portland, OR back in the day and was feeling pretty confident in my skills. I grew up on a family farm and was driving tractors from the age of 12. I was showing off my…

Wasn’t he weed homer, or whatever that glorious nonsense was called?

Be aware that should you choose to smoke Atlantic 'salmon' and serve it to anyone under any pretense that it's anything other than rotten cardboard you found underneath a piss soaked bum sleeping on your stoop, the vengeful spirits of Celilo Falls will drag your soul to hell.

It sounds a lot like the haunted hotel in Oklahoma City, the Skirvin. The legend goes that the owner had an affair with a maid, who got pregnant. Rather than deal with it he locked them both on the 10th floor, the maid jumped to her death holding her daughter. The hotel is one of the nicest in OKC so basketball teams…

The Facebook app for Android makes this weird, I'm not really sure how to describe it sound. I guess I'd call it a squick? It sounds like a a rubber stopper being removed from a glass bottle, but it's really piercing and seems to happen randomly. There are sounds that are more intense, or painful, but that sound is…

I went to school with Nick, though I didn't/don't know him. I've always followed his career, and it makes me tremendously proud, in a way no other alumni ever has, that he's among the athletes leading the charge to dismantle the hideously corrupt "amateur" system that allows shady sportocrats to reap obscene profit…