I’m shocked that all of these terrible people have actively unfulfilling love lives.

Britt McHenry made me side with a tow trucking company. I hate her for that.

Poor Tomi.

Ah yes, noted professional football league management expert Triple-H.

The subtext is obvious but it’s worth spelling out that “family-friendly” here is a dogwhistle for “you won’t have to explain to your kids that a professional athlete is upset that unarmed black people are getting murdered by police, in the very unlikely event they even noticed the brief protest to begin with”. Christ.

I briefly considered sticking up for Sosa’s induction into the HoF, but then I thought, “Fuck it...there’s already enough white guys in there.”

This is nice, especially all the signs for Williams:

I went to Journalismism school at the same time that Seth Wickersham and Wright Thompson were there. And I say “with” purely in the sense that we were all enrolled in J-school at the same time and they wouldn’t know me from Adam, given that the most important thing I learned at J-school is that I wasn’t going to make…

Bill Simmons and his stans: the kings of Not Even Mad

You know Bill’s not gonna fuck you, right?

The incredible innovation of writing two articles a week of casual prose and posting them online doesn’t get someone a lifetime pass able to handwave away all criticism of his turning into an incredibly lazy hackish writer the previous version of himself would have roasted on a regular basis.

(And there’s another…

It might be worth pointing out that the reason Drew Bledsoe got benched was because of a life-threatening injury.

Hopefully people read the entire article because there’s an all time simmons paragraph where he compares the people in the Patriots scandal to the characters in Almost Famous, which sounds like something you would make up if you were trying to parody a simmons article.

Yup, those are the voices in my head.

Nothing like getting served, pestered by Sherrifs & taken to court over a Will that myself and my sisters are not only 100% excluded from but do not even have any interest in contesting in the first place.

but I just couldn’t bring myself to outright ask a Tinder match for sex.

I think you missed the real conspiracy theory, that Belichik traded Garoppolo to Brady’s childhood team out of spite to Brady. One last twist of the knife making Brady watch as Garoppolo goes on to great success with the team he grew up watching and likely always wanted to play for?

“Patriot of the Week” sounds like some fake MAGA-style award for school children.

Other than some idle speculation by local media, no one has previously reported anything close to the bit about why the Garoppolo trade happened. Beyond that, the piece sketches out details on things that people only knew about in a general sense beforehand, such as the weird split between Guerrero and the Patriots…

It was only a matter of time til someone showed up to whine about someone else’s opinion of a subjective art form.