I've pretty much read them every non-obscene Mitch Hedberg joke I could find on the internet. I've even played them a few carefully screened clips, so they know what he sounded like.

Fair enough, but…does it count if I didn't know that Mitch was ever on Dr. Katz?

Doug Stanhope does a bit where he talks about how Mitch was really good at doing drugs, whatever that means. Like, he did drugs, but he didn't hate himself for it, it was something he genuinely enjoyed. This story puts a much darker face on it, for sure.

That was the first Mitch Hedberg joke I told my kids last year. They still parrot it back to me sometimes.

Mitch Hedberg one-liners are great for when you need to laugh, and you want to listen to two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg's legacy can never break, it can only become stairs.

Myq Kaplan has a similar joke. "If anybody here really needs convincing that I'm not gay, I will make out with any female audience member after the show. My girlfriend and I have an arrangement where she does not know that I do that."

"Saving Cthlustmas"
"The Last Temptation of Zeus"
"The Ex-Thor-cist"

Deep cut? Obscure? I'm sorry, but aren't those words that dumb people say to sound smart?

I'm here for the cubicle dwelling comedians, but I can't speak for anybody else.

HEY LOOKIT GUYS, WE GOT US ANOTHER ONE'A THEM CUBICLE DWELLING COMEDIANS!!!

Couldn't you just use your boobs?

The thought of Ms Esposito fellating herself is problematic for me on a number of levels.

…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

There's a difference between talking about being a woman/lesbian, and talking about NOTHING BUT being a woman/lesbian. Actually, that's not even right, this column is about her talking about TALKING ABOUT being a woman/lesbian. And she seems super pissy about it this week, even for her.

Add the Wayside School books, and the Hobbit, and we have a deal.

>No, I'm not at all saying "more C&H" - not at all.

I was about to say that what's even sadder than people who call him smug for refusing to license, is people who call him selfish. But I see there's some idiot below beating me to the point.

LISA NEEDS BACON!

PIZZA NEEDS BRACES!