You have to admit, Burneko, when you’re firing off hot takes like this you are going to offend some people. <sigh> Can’t make an omelette without mashing some peas....

So you would have intercourse with Tiger Wodds too?

Can’t believe I forgot its emergency medicinal value!

Pitching machines are rediculously hard to hit for power off of. There is zero timing.

That’s fair, but I just want to see Yasiel do stuff. Why doesn’t MLB have an event where you throw the ball really hard from right field?

I should create a burner to reply to this properly but you're not alone, friend.

So this is only semi related but: How many of us self love at work? Hands? Hands?

“Prince Fielder Eats it”
How is this NOT his youtube channel (or just constant live stream)?

What? Dammit, that’s the best wheat beer in the country (and maybe the world). Now I’m sad, too. I saw on the “beers we have known and loved” page that Black Top is done too. This is a dark day.

This was a really roundabout way of admitting you didn’t read the article.

YOU ARE THE PERFECT EMBODIMENT OF EVERY CARDINALS FAN EVER

I love you.

This is an excellent parody of a stereotypical Cardinal fan. Very well done. The pretended myopic inability to distinguish between news and commentary, the preening smug jackassery... just spectacular work all the way around.

Deadspin, I want you on this story like CNN was on that fucking plane. Don’t let up. I cannot overemphasize how much joy this story is bringing me.

All that’s missing is a failed GoFundMe campaign for the team’s legal defense fund.

If you don’t hate the Cardinals, maybe you’re the one who needs to see a doctor. Just not natural.

You can’t spell #BFIB without F.B.I.

It’s the World Series of tubes!

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making us believe he was retiring.