I NEED one of those. Except I’m afraid some angry Trekkie dork would mess up my car.

Don’t denigrate the Caucasus. Those mountains never hurt anybody!

OMG, really?

If you’re on vacation with your long-time partner, you’ve probably got the birth control thing all figured out already and you don’t need condoms. Nice try, though.

That stuff is disgusting (“real” cranberry relish, that is). Ocean spray, all the way!

Me, when I first got married and was going to do everything perfectly, unlike my exhausted Depression-baby mother.

You forgot mashed potatoes. Just buy a bunch of those two-pound tubs, mix them together, and doctor them if you want. They are all the same! Why bother, unless you like spending an hour peeling and chopping them and pureeing them at the last minute when you have way too many other things going on?

Wow, these 24-hour diaries are kind of blowing my mind. My regimen consists of a two-minute shower with whatever cleanser I have on hand (often gifted me decades ago by clueless relatives who didn’t know what to get me for Christmas) and a quick face wash followed by a once-over with a Clearasil pad (because I’m 48,…

There are exactly 2.0825 men in my life who deserve a cookie: my husband, my baby brother (who is the best father ever and tells me his basic parenting strategy is to not raise an asshole), and my 9-month-old nephew (who can at least gum the cookie).

There would be no awkward conversations about it; the three Nicki Minajes would simply abscond to the nearest dressing room and get down, and they wouldn’t even be weird about it afterward—the way everyone always pretends like they wouldn’t but for real this time. No, they would just laugh it off as three people…

It’s a muppet dog.

I have never ever heard those terms before. Then again, I never spent much time at the roller rink, either.

So that they can buy it all up at firesale prices. Obvs.

If only he’d groped a boy, he’d be unelectable. Everyone knows those teenaged girls had it coming.

Every time I undergo some kind of procedure they make me take a pregnancy test. I tell them, “I’m not pregnant! It’s impossible! My husband had a vasectomy twelve years ago!” But apparently there’s a possibility that I slept with someone else in the last couple of weeks and completely forgot about it.

My dear atheist husband pointed out that the real father of Jesus was infinitely older than either of them. He got smacked.

“Ihave been disturbed by the recent and also ancient allegations that my last name means “be quiet” in Hebrew.”

I haven’t looked at the price of Mason jars or burlap lately, but I’m guessing they’ve skyrocketed. Fucking hipsters ruin everything.

By having a, um, basic wedding.

Jesus.  We elect ourselves these awesome senators and then everyone wants to steal them from us to make them President, and then we get stuck with GOP crap for six years.