The Wikipedia page for Mulga, Alabama answers all the questions I had about Phyllis.

Vietnam special at 118?!?!?! How high are you right now Raph?!?!

There is an obvious answer that no one is addressing.

What franchise moving would hurt fans of other franchises who live in that city the most? Go to a Panthers game and 50% of the crowd is there for the other team. Hell, even Detroit had a huge fanbase at the Panthers vs. Detroit game this year. I can see Carolina, Jacksonville and maybe Nashville residents being upset…

Clearly, this bear went to college and was an Ursa Major.

It's time to commission the official Jalopnik Kickstarter page.

It all depends on what he really wants for himself. Financially he probably wouldn't be as set, but he would probably still be successful with more freedom. But it is really hard to say, people's popularity comes and goes in the blink of an eye these days. I think he should start a production company that makes and…

Historically, Kennedy is the one who leaves the scene of a fatal automobile accident.

This is a good time to direct y'all to my favorite tweet:

What? What? Honoring thy mother and father ahead of not bearing false witness? That is horse shit, Greg.

Yeah. Wrote it one handed.

I probably haven't had sex more in my life more times than I've wacked it for just a 3 month period when I was 18..and I'm 44 now and had steady wife/gf since I was 21. It isn't even close if you look at my entire life.

In a perfect world, all trash bags would be considered equal, but for whatever reason, the cheap bags are always complete junk. They rip apart, the ties don't work, and they're somehow never quite the size they're advertised to be. It's definitely worth the extra buck or two to get trash bags that'll actually contain…

"Question, Mr. Washington,. Were you in an elevator with Steve Smith's wife approximately 12 months ago?"

You can't blame the guy for his infidelity. It was Jeter's last game in Texas, for Christ sakes.

Steve Smith is everything we want the modern NFL player to be: a family man, hard-worker, overachiever, and smart enough to write his thoughts down because he knows he won't remember them in 15 years.

(TMZ hurriedly scours hotel elevator footage)

Do you have any outrage to ketchup?

This is just terrible. And what makes it worse, his wife hasn't even come out with a statement apologizing for her role in what happened.

"I swear to god, if you call the cops I'll throw myself down the depth chart."