“That means someone here is barefoot!” - Rex Ryan

“Hey man, free shoes!” -Jim Tomsula 

hmm...I don’t think the lines would follow the curvature of the earth.  Merely the curvature of the universe.

You shit yourself at work during a meeting. It’s obvious to all present—they can hear it, smell it and, as you run out of the room, see it.

*titillating

Here’s me and some girls, just out of frame, all laughing with admiration at my blue with white polka dot Happy Socks

welcome back

You remember that Sunday morning, two months after dad left, you wake up and notice mom’s hair is seriously mussed, and then you walk into the kitchen and dad is making eggs like the past eight weeks never happened . . .

Wow, what insight. I was just saying to a colleague “I wonder what DE2000's wife thinks about this.”

A group of entitled teens goes on a mission to spread their gospel of hate. I really need to know whether they were harassed by someone before spewing hate, or they were rudely interrupted in their attempt to spew hate by a band of people singing and playing drums before I can pass judgment. 

“This ring helped fund a brutal war fought by child soldiers in the Central African Republic,” he said. “Just like you.”

Like Jesus, he possesses X-Ray vision.

Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters-Tebow sounds like the name of a law firm based in Narnia.

he bounced the line off of Russell Wilson, who after a quick google search, determined it was, in fact, romantic. 

Seriously, it’s an address book. It’s synced with your email contacts. It’s not they days when typing on phones was hard and the information was self-contained.

The NFL continues to step on their dick for not having the SB on Saturday.  So stupid. 

I almost stopped after she dunked on cream eggs

• FELL OFF TOILET, FELL ONTO A MOUSE TRAP, TRAP CLOSED ON PENIS

Any time the gun-humpers retreat to the 2nd Amendment (ratified 227 years ago, by the way) to defend their fetish, I like to share the words of their favorite founding father, Thomas Jefferson:

No wonder Jack froze to death in the North Atlantic. Leo just wouldn’t get on top.