That turtle pooped in that water.

Now he can share salmonella with his beloved pet turtle as well.

I heard if a woman has had three children, and you put your ear to her vagina, you can hear the ocean.

See sometimes I get sad my wedding is going to be so small because neither me nor my fiancee have extended family that would want to come to our wedding because we're gay... but then I'm also okay with it because I have basically NO family pressure, and it's going to be SOOO much cheaper. Every cloud has a silver…

My best friend and my brother had sex on top of my wedding invitations. See, I married my brother's best friend. And my bestie and my super geek brother had been on and off, on and off forever! Can you believe he even said her name in one of his (THREE) weddings? Actually, two of them.

am i the only one who thinks that maybe the crazy doily lady isn't so crazy?

The invitations to my November 2001 wedding were mailed on September 10, 2001. The wedding venue? Windows on the World.

This didn't happen to me exactly, but it's still pretty awesome. So my aunt was getting married (c.1982), a few years before I existed, and her wedding color was a light mauve. She picked out nice mauve invitations with dark text which were surprisingly elegant considering it was the early 80s. She gave them to her…

I'm pretty sure doing things in order to get validation from strangers is how society happened. Oh god I hope you all like this comment.

We have a little cafe/food service dispensary in the break room of my office that offers the general sort of thing you'd expect at a lunch counter in a corporate office. Breakfast sandwiches and an occasional omelet in the morning, burgers and fries at lunch, etc.

I hope that poor boy was okay after his parents insisted on him eating that food even though it had gluten in it.

My plan is to break into every nearby pharmacy and steal all the opiates and benzos. Then I'll at least be pleasantly unaware when the inevitable zombie onslaught finds me. In fact, I'll be so out of it, they may even think I'm a zombie and leave me alone. Perfecto.

I have wilderness survival training. I used to be a search and rescue volunteer and instructor. But, I'm sure the zombies won't make it here. In any direction, you would have to drive 8-hrs to reach a major urban centre. I can't imagine how long it would take the zombies to walk that distance, especially when it's…

Ironically, that's my strategy for

Good plan. Zombies can't get in without a card.

My strategy remains the same.
1. Eat all of the chocolate remaining in my apartment.
2. Kill self.

I feel reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally strongly negative about piercing babys' ears. Just because it's become normalized people think it's okay. What if I wanted to get my baby's septum pierced? How many people do you think would think that's fucked up. Piercings are a really personal choice, and plenty of women go…

i will use my skillz instead to compose an ode to Beyonce