You are a genius, but if you could come up with an everlasting sandwich you would be a "hero".

Best Metal Performance better go to Jethro Tull.

I realized through some soul searching that is why I am murderously angry sometimes. I stayed home for four fucking months, I didn’t touch a human for four months. I know, many many people have suffered worse. I couldn’t get a handle on my rage for a minute and then it occurred to me that I was furious that…

I had a coupon for a free Big Mac and the teenage cashier at McDonald’s carefully scrutinized it before calling the manager, who appeared to be no older than early 20s. After about a minute of them reading the fine print together, I joked, “I know I’m wearing a striped shirt but it’s not like I’m the Hamburglar or…

Little known fact: an anagram for Steve Kornacki is Genuine Class.

Your call is important to us. We are currently experiencing an unusually high call volume...

“Glad to meet you, kid, you’re a real horse’s ass.”

Me too! My stepsister told me that the world would end on April 4th, 1984. I was terrified in the months leading up to it.

Stranger Danger kind of blended into the Satanic Panic and the drug war. Because obviously, anyone who kidnaps little kids either wants to sacrifice them to Satan or give them free heroin.

I was born late in 1971, and don’t remember that stuff seriously scaring me as a kid. There was just the occasional sudden…

I got bitched at a lot as a kid for not eating my vegetables. When I was old enough to do my own food prep, I made the SHOCKING discovery that I like vegetables just fine provided they didn’t come out of can or weren’t boiled into mush. 

I’ll probably pick it up since I liked her last one alot.

I, too, enjoyed circus peanuts. As a child. I’ve not had one for over 50 years now, and don’t intend to. I know for certain that the experience would be incredibly disappointing, and would only tarnish the fond memory of biting into the top of a circus peanut and then letting it sort of dissolve slowly into sweet…

There’s been no small amount of effort made to rehabilitate candy corn’s image this year, but I remain unconvinced.

“When I was a kid, we would shove the candy corn onto our canines like vampire teeth until they fell off”

I had two dorm mates at UC Santa Barbara in 1981. Their drink of choice was generic rum and Tab. Let’s pour one out for Marla and Nancy.

Well, you beat me to it, about making candy corn fangs.

I’m on board with the Abba Zabas! But nothing else...

Went to a Halloween party when I was 3 and they had a big bucket for apple-bobbing. But I was playing four-dimensional chess in my little brain, eyed my favorite fruit floating there, and just reached in and grabbed one. Then screamed because my costumed arm was now soaking wet.

Is... Is the phrase “Kraft dinner” not a thing in America?

I had a cat named Kitty, one of the best cats I’ve ever known, who died probably 15 or more years ago now. She still shows up in my dreams, usually when I’m really stressed out, and the dreams are always some variation on her being sick or in danger or missing and me trying (and failing) to help her. I’ve had many…