Actually, I’m going by the Nielsen overnight/metered market ratings. The only TV ratings that actually matter.

I love that! Don’t let Jeb! take that away from you.

Also, you don’t put cilantro in guac (or anything intended for human consumption) because it is The Worst.

I have less confidence in Jeb’s presidential abilities now and I’d not have thought that possible.

The Russian one is awesome, it sounds like he’s describing a two-yard gain on 1st down. I want that guy to announce my sex.

Ever since they were peers in elementary school, Weeden has been waiting for an opportunity to get the upper hand on Jones.

The thing about people that miss the point is that they have no idea what they're missing.

If Kyle and Jimmy don't start I'm gonna make so many internet comments

COWHERD: "Maybe if didn't dance pregame the fans would like him more."

That “whoosh” you just heard was the joke going over your head.

My God...this Kinja.....

The Patriots were just making sure they got the ball at the start of double overtime.

Bullshit. It’s clearly blue and black.

I used to hate getting undressed as a child because I was afraid that angels were watching. If elf on a shelf had been a thing back then, I probably would have burned it and buried the ashes in the woods.

I’m 9/12. Had a guy look at my Driver’s Licence once (like 6-7 years after 9/11) and his eyes got real big and he just looked at me and said “WOAH. Close call man.”

My preferred form of address for the in-laws is also “Hey.” They know my preference and refuse to bend so we’ve reached this uneasy detente where they keep referring to themselves as “Mom” and “Dad” to me and I fail to use any noun whatsoever to address them.

Wait, we’re allowed to opt out of it? Finally. So long jerkbags!

Alrighty. I feel the same way about murder. People frown upon murder but ya know what-I'm going to do me.

For real though. I’m grateful I ended up with my specific shitty life instead of her shitty life.

"I used to watch Scrubs after school every day."