I have to explain to her that it’s not alchemy or magic that transmutes peppercorns into pepper

There’s a special section in heaven reserved for people who have had to deal with old people arguing over change.

When I worked at Starbucks, people would tell me they were allergic to foam when ordering their no foam lattes.

I had a woman request a new glass of ice water, because, and I can’t make this up, “her ice water was watered down.”

“you’ve never worked with the general public before.”

I’ve been working with General Public so long, he was just Lieutenant Public when I got started.

Hi there.

This idea that is it “either NYC or LA or nothing” is just the tribal mindset of the bourgeois educated white person made manifest.

When I moved to California from Upstate NY almost 4 years ago, evvvvvveryone kept saying, “you KNOW they have earthquakes there, RIGHT?”

No one knows this. We have earthquakes every day that relieve pressure off of the faults. Clearly, you're not from here.

“You’re not that fucking good, Alex.”

MadBum does this all the time. He’s pretty much a 24/7 asshole.

He’s, actually, doing exactly what he should do for once: Keeping his mouth shut and just playing baseball. If he would have learned this 10 years ago, he’d still be the face of the sport.

“I don’t have a marketing degree,” A-Rod said, smiling.

Can’t believe you left the #2 ringtone OF ALL TIME: Silent.

Wrong, here’s the real list:

To me, you haven’t batted around until you’ve fucked up my scorecard. Ten.

I was sitting two rows behind this, you can see my fleece in the video. It was amazing. It just landed in the cup and spun around like a golf ball. And then she slammed the beer. Another special Wrigley Moment™.

If I had him on my fantasy team, I'd demand he be credited with a save.

Jason... Words cannot express how proud of you I am.