My cat punched me in the eye once. Without claws. So for like a month, I had 1/3 of a normal-sized black eye going on, and had to tell everyone I was punched by a cat.

Cats give signals to leave them alone. I know my cats’ signs. I’m wondering if she didn’t read the signs the cat was giving to her.

That is a dangerous statement to make on this site...

Listen...if we are going to have bananas in sandwiches they need to go imbetween peanut butter and fluff....none of this mayo crap.

White people and mayo are that couple from high school that you never really got but you were happy they had each other.

That is the Whitest sandwich I have ever seen. Both literally and figuratively.

I think you really have to want it to be offended by this one.

Not pictured: the Gap Kids ad from just a few years ago wherein a black model was using a white model as an armrest in almost the exact same pose.

Also his name is Adam and he changed it to Calvin because he thought it sounded more racially ambiguous.

only when she is sober, which is never

Has Chelsea Handler ever done or said anything remotely funny or interesting? Her thirst to be outrageous just makes me sad and embarrassed. Or in this case, just em-bare-assed.

hahaha! like, is this a joke? I DON’T WANT WATER AS MY DESSERT!! I can eat brown sugar right out of the box thankyouverymuch.

ugly-ass pants that need to die in a river of hellfire and never, ever come back again to make us think they’re flattering.

Apt to collect flies if left unrefrigerated too long!

FRUITFUL!!!

Celeste Barber does it again!

Would like to take a moment and bask in the gloriousness and applicability of Amber’s emojis: