Vickie is a horrible person and I hate her. But she is the standard of what it means to be a Housewife across all the shows.

On my 21st birthday I got so drunk I started throwing olives and limes at a bartender, was dragged out of the bar by my boyfriend and woke up with a tree branch in my hair.

So you know that running gag in movies and film about kids spanking it to the underwear section in their mom’s Sears catalog? I didn’t quite get what these films were alluding to, so I tried fucking a rolled up, glossy department store catalog when I was like 11.

ed. I’d just like to add that I tried this a few times…

Buzzfeed is always on the cutting edge of originality

I will sometimes bring up the facebook profiles of the kids who tormented me so I can laugh at their miserable tiny lives, and remember that this is just an extension of how miserable and tiny their lives were back then.

I constantly post that I too am a parent to a 13 month old daughter... and I would have to kill myself if she ever committed suicide. I wouldn’t be able to live knowing I couldn’t protect my daughter from FUCKING EVIL 11 YEAR OLDS.

The bullying element has grown SO much now that kids have technology at their fingertips 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Used to you could go home and be safe from hate, but not anymore. Bullying (combined with mental health issues) is what landed my daughter in a psychiatric hospital last month with suicidal thoughts.…

This is the only video of Edge of Glory that matters to me:

We use First Nations in Canada. I like that.

Can I reply to you with a “they’re called Native Americans”?

My dog absolutely is my baby.

When I drink tequila I wake up the next morning thinking, “huh, I did not know I would ever sleep with you, random coworker.”

He’s amazing. He also gave me a fair share of rides home when I was drunk in high school. It’s like, he didn’t want to enable me but he also didn’t want me to ever not call. So he’d always snarl, “Jesus Christ, El!” and hang up the phone and come get me, smoking furiously the whole way home. One time I tried to play…

“Little animal” did me in. I’m having full body laughter rn.

That was how I knew when it was I became lactose intolerant. When my farts got so frequent that I couldn’t hold them in, could only make sure they were silent, and when they became so foul-smelling that people walking by the pen where our department’s desks were would comment on the stench. Fortunately, a doctor…

18 - 25 is definitely the Age of Alcohol Tolerance Experimentation.

I had been dating this guy for a few months, and after a relative’s funeral, I met him for drinks (beer and wings). We went back to my place, eventually went to sleep, and I woke up in the middle of the night and was immediately violently ill. No time to even turn my head. I threw up chicken wings and beer all over…

Screw it, I’m not even gonna make a burner for this. I have no shame. Also I have more stories for this particular pissing contest because my line of work lends itself to it but I’ll stick to this one.

Twenty years later and I still refer to them as my second parents.

Innocuous fact: My grandma kept a baggie full of drinking straws, napkins and supermarket produce bags in the glovebox of my grandpa’s Oldsmobile for kiddo soda drinking occasions and such (bag was for trash, natch).