Proteas are the bomb.com, and are dinosaur flowers.

starred because I like the penis fly trap idea so much I was willing to look at that protea pic again and vomit all over again.

Remember reading a book? They want to read it too. Remember looking at your phone? They want to play with it too. Remember the counter being a safe spot to leave, oh I don’t know...anything ever? Nope, that is simply a challenge now for them. Don’t think about trying to do the dishes or cooking without trying to…

you CAN do that! of course! if your kid doesn’t mind being strapped to a bouncy seat. One of mine loved it. The other one acted as though the chair was stabbing her and she screamed the entire time.

babies are dumb as rocks sometimes. yeah, they get a squirmy finger into that diaper and breast milk doesn’t smell so bad so... why not try it? i don’t know. they are animals!

I usually already have company: my dog watching me eat the pizza until I give him the last couple bites of crust.

Just to let you know, I have never had my kids burst in on me in the bathroom. I’ve shared stalls when they were little and we were out and about somewhere, but at home, they’ve never tried to come in when the door is closed. I never went more than a day without a shower when they were babies, either. The crib kept…

This has to be the one and only thing on this earth that pizza cannot fix.

I have cats which is like having kids because they always have to be with me in the bathroom. Veronica cries outside the door. She has to be there when I shower or bathe. She can't let me be.

Yes! “My penis is too straight!” “It’s ok, babe, just don’t touch it and it will go down.”

“if I ever decide to have a child, there goes pooping in solitude and silence”

Fuck everything.

Because basically everything causes a rash. Bacterial infection =rash. Viral infection=rash. Fungal infection=rash. Their immune systems are learning the ropes.

Let’s....be friends

I totally thought you could put an infant in one of those strappy seat things in the bathroom with you. No? Bad?

No joke. Healthcare workers are the best people on the planet. I’ve been in HC for 12 years and I’ve never known such kindness.

Crying over pizza orders with you.

My sister is an ER nurse, so my heart goes out to the staff who have to deal with the aftermath of these shootings. It is traumatic for them too.

You won’t be alone for many years when hitting the loo. One of my kids, if anyone closed and locked the door, would sit there and knock knock knock knock knock, asking ‘What are you doing in there?’.

I have to say that about 20 times a week. Boys.