It’s genital mutilation that keeps me from worrying about having a weird dick (in the US and Israel) when things are going well with a girl.

By describing the concept of time and reiterating that we don’t live in a world with a single variable?

I replied to someone else explaining that I was mostly goofing on the article for not providing an explanation of how fecal transplants work, because they’re really interesting. But I think it got Kinja’d. I wasn’t trying to rip you up, man.

Me too. Wait, are we homophobes now?

I’ve seen this said a couple times now. What’s wrong? Saying just this leaves me looking for your competing comic.

You all understand that isn’t actually in the article and that I’m not upset at Mr. Savage, right? I was mostly making fun of the fact that they didn’t bother dropping in two sentences explaining this super interesting medical procedure.

Read the article. She set up the enema so that the rubber bladder would be the head and the catheter would be, like, a stick figure body. She needed a dinner companion while she ate the poop. Seriously, this was like two paragraphs in. smdh

He should let her have it. Ever tried to reheat fried Chinese food? You’re better off just eating the actual fortune.

Didn’t the original Droid have an entire effing keyboard and trackpad? Mine did, and I think it was the original.

Not really. You and your phone have to be in a microwave for it to do anything.

Son, I know a Wisconsin gator when I see one. Those are Wisconsin gators.

He should try reading this short story I saw recently by Paul Hemphill.

Hey Fusion, let Deadspin do shit like this again.

It’s useful for when you want to remember what Compuserve is like. No, the only time I’ve ever done this (on my phone) was when I was in another country, prior to getting an international data plan.

Seriously, why would anyone bother?

“All it does is make it more difficult for any shoppers who are on the store’s wifi.”

Serious question: I’ve always told myself that if I were arrested, I should just waive my right to a jury trial because I’d be innocent of whatever I’m accused of, and people are just too goddamned stupid and I don’t want to multiply that by twelve.

....No, it’s long been known that having lawyers on a jury messes everything up because they are able to read through the things that are going on (I.e. why people testify or not, why evidence is admitted or not) - that sounds GOOD at first, but things are suppressed out of fairness.

How the hell did they let a law student on the jury?

The thing is that this isn’t new. This has been an open secret in show business for a long, long time.