I’m sure Donald was really concerned about Sasha and Malia’s emotional well being when he was peddling his birther bullshit for eight years.

I hope when my children are in their thirties, they will know that their mother and I value each of them more than one percent each.

My dad just said that whoever is leaking all of this info should be hanged cause he’s a traitor. I asked him if the subjects of these leaks should also be punished. Of course he was like no. I promptly blew up at him, reminding him he wasn’t worried about the person(s) who leaked the info from the DNC.

“Crooked Jared?”

When she and Ryan Reynolds got engaged a friend of mine called them “a perfectly matched set of golden retrievers” and that is the only thing I can think of when she shows up in my feed.

Publicist #5: (Perravieja, who is not a publicist, but who read Dirt Bag this morning)

I cannot wait for every adult who told me there wouldn’t be an impeachment with a GOP-controlled Congress to eat crow.

Yeah, fuck the guy who campaigned for Hillary Clinton, who gives a ton of his time and money to kids in Akron, who vocally speaks out for the causes that are important to him, at the expense of his own popularity. (I mean, he’s popular enough anyway that it doesn’t really matter, but a lot of athletes are unwilling to…

I was in grade 11 during the Sept 11th attacks. Even then I thought the phrase “axis of evil” was childish and manipulative. I pine for that eloquency in the wake of “evil losers”.

And Obama’s signature looks like a baby T-Rex playing with a ball of yarn.

“What?!” -Akbar Gbajabiamila

J
thE warriors
Z
blEw
B
a threE game
Lead

I can’t fathom a list of five basketball players that a reasonable person could argue are all better than Lebron.

Ditto. It’s a cute song, it has a genuinely positive, inclusive message. I’ve no room for snark today.

As is its internalized sister, “I’m not like other girls.”

Your argument is based on a faulty premise.

I’m only sad that the elephant that killed him died.

Googled “obese hamster.”

I think your daughter is cool. Just thought you should know.

I was on the Metra last weekend and a lady stepped on with no bra while slinging her labia around her leggings like it was hanging from a meat hook.