You should buy them a whisk for Christmas. (In fairness, a bit of unwhipped cream is good too, which is basically what your Appalachian girlfriend is doing.)

Plus I carve, so I get first crack at the good stuff and bits of skin. (Football method if you're wondering. Also, I like to remove the whole breast and then carve it. Tidier.)

Serious question. Why do people put ice cream on pies loaded with sugar.It's too sweet. I prefer real whipped cream, which takes about 20 seconds to make. Thoughts please.

If it's all about giving thanks, why do I have to invite the relatives?

Why do people in New England have such a hard-on for Thanksgiving?

No one in my family likes dark meat. I do. Am I adopted?

Actually, that's a vegetable.

Why am I still gray? I suck less than some.

38 seconds.

Barbasol, for the creepy grandfather in all of us.

Barbasol, for the creepy grandfather in all of us.

Stop re-running stories.

Congratulations, Chicago. I didn't think it could be done. You are now more loathsome than Boston.

It's a guilty pleasure stopping there instead of getting bad airport food. It's open for breakfast too if you like to start your day with a week's worth of cholesterol.

Was it Tony Luke's? It's near the stadium. Traveler' tip: just off 95 on the way to the airport!

Fat, stupid, and drunk is no way to go through life, Chicago.

Don't marry my ex?

Hendrix. National Anthem. Fuck yeah!

"their functionality in the tennessee-north carolina backcountry is unassailable, tom"

Ask your mother.

Ugly to you but a lot of seven-year-old boys will love these new pajamas.