The police officer’s parents are already in the media trying to spin him as a “good father” and a “family man”, never mind that he’s divorced and has two children born within 12 days of each other by two different women.

I know this is more “bitch eating crackers” pedantism, but at this point I don’t fucking care. Look at that bitch eating crackers in his baggy-ass suit and micropenis-covering tie.

He has a history of not paying his bills and not thinking things through. You have to plan ahead to buy a suit and have it properly fitted.
One, he’s not that patient.
Two, what skilled tailor in their right mind would want to put up with a client like that?

spongiform

His face, his spongiform flesh, the boiled-red texture of his skin, and his ridiculous rubber expressions ALL remind me of Plympton! All the time! He always seems to be on the verge of swallowing his own face and turning inside-out, only to extrude himself right-side-out through his own ear a second later.

“I have a yuge pile of crumpled suits in my bedroom, really a tremendous pile, probably the biggest, I’ve been told that. The wrinkles? The wrinkles are the wrinkliest wrinkles, you’re not going to find wrinkles like this on any other suit. Really, no one knows looking like an enormous horse’s ass more than me, no…

Trump looks like a political cartoonist drew him, thought the caricature was too exaggerated, crumpled the sketch into a ball and threw it away. Later, under deadline, he said “Eh, fuck it, good enough” fished the sketch out of the wastebasket, smoothed it out with his hands and sent it in.

“Perhaps your president doesn’t feel like he needs to prove anything anymore because he’s done it all,” Sebag-Montefiore muses.

I feel like he just has a big pile of suits thrown in the corner of his bedroom in the White House that he rummages around in every morning until he finds something that matches.

Agreed about Schumer. I’m desperately looking for a “it’s not tipping I believe in, it’s over tipping” gif from “My Blue Heaven” but for some reason no one has made one!! I generally get those seamless “you’re next meal is 20% off” coupons because I tend to over tip. I’ve never worked in food service, only retail, but…

I understand Amy on this. I ain’t rich enough to have rich guilt, but I do have former poor kid guilt. I don’t really pay for services I can do myself (like pedicures) and I tip really well when I do get any kind of service I can’t (like massages).

Mariah. It’s called “The Change.” Just go with it. Run after the dancer, get too drunk, let yourself go for a year, find a tulip and scream at, then hold it tenderly as you sob.

Leave it to fucking Republicans to think that the second amendment (and their grossly ridiculous interpretation of it that has resulted in millions of unnecessary deaths) is more important than the first. The first amendment is first for a reason, dickbags.

Precisely why we need to build that damned wall. Democrats just want illegal birds.

Trump had them all deported. Damn birds flew here illegally.

Which of these is the ugliest part of NAFTA?

So I found a baby bird and took it to a wildlife rehab center and while I was there this woman started talking about how her husband has been out of work. And then she started shouting with joy that that’s going to change because “now we have Trump!” And I had to stifle a snort.

I have only told a few people about my 2 rapes (one was by a boyfriend and one was acquaintance rape) because for the longest time I felt responsible.

am i the only person who’s heartbroken about jesse williams getting divorced from wife? yes? okay. :’(

There is a decrepit portrait of J.Lo in someone’s attic.