I mean, I never thought I'd be DISAPPOINTED in GERALDO RIVERA. Yet here we are. Happy 2017, everybody.

Whereas Geraldo Rivera tweeted this today:

As God is his witness, Clay thought turkeys could fly.

Game of Thrones/ASOIAF takes place in a magical land where even multiple generations of incest only results in occasional psychopathy, never in anybody the slightest bit weird-looking.

Then why is it peanut butter?

On a related note… advertising in general has been following the Geico template since Bush's first term, which is an insanely long time. You know, ordinary scene, deadpan reveal of wacky random element, end on an Office-esque Awkward Beat. I'm guessing they like it because it saves them from having to come up with an…

I say bring back the pre-'80s variety where they'd just explain the entire plot in order.

She really overprepared.

I was just glad no one got squished. People were milling around right under it! How did they know it was going to fall so close to the pedestal? Did there just happen to be expert statue-yanker-downers in the crowd? When the revolution begins in earnest I'm going to be the one on the sidelines flapping my hands in…

Spanglish is built around the incredibly fucked-up idea that for a poor Latina kid to take the opportunity of going to a good school is a betrayal of her mother and their background, which is a shame, because it's really full of great performances. Shelbie Bruce and Sarah Steele should both have had casting directors…

Not necessarily. The Planned Parenthood terrorist killed a cop, and he was taken alive. Whiteness is a powerful defense.

Good god, the Proud Boys. Picking a name that leaves your opponents that cripplingly embarrassed for you should be banned under international law.

Man, we really botched this Natasha Leggero and Moshe Kasher interview. Here's why you should, too!

Except with no experience because Trump was never forced by his parents to apologize for anything.

Joke's on them because I've never seen a bowl of cornflakes I didn't wanna fuck.

It's pushed on the basis of hygiene, which just doesn't make sense on the level of individual decision-making. Statistically if a boy isn't circumcised he's more likely to have health problems later; but if he, personally, keeps his junk clean, then that's not going to be a factor.

Carlton: "Why can't you stare into the eclipse? I mean, what's it gonna do, really? I stare at the sun every day."
Don: "You stare at the sun every day?"
Carlton: "Well, you know, LOOK at it."

Or a white-supremacist former governor of Mississippi… but I repeat myself.

Yeah, well, Frodo's name is Frodo, as in "Wow, Frodo. What a stupid name."

Only Robert ever thought it was an abduction. He was in love with Lyanna and his ego wouldn't let him believe she preferred his enemy.