I FOUND OUT ON THURSDAY THAT MY FINAL DISSERTATION EDITS WERE APPROVED AND I AM NOW DR. HURRIKATE

Guys, big news this week with my kid. The other night I felt like poo after they had dance class, so I decided to take the kids to McDonald’s to avoid cooking and give myself a chance to just sit (that sound you hear in the distance is one of Food Babe’s neck veins exploding).

When I was 20, I was working at a bookstore and living with my boyfriend, who also worked at the same bookstore. It was a small bookstore, with only 7 employees and when the holiday party rolled around we all went to a bar in Montouk and proceeded to get ripped. I had lost track of my boyfriend and started to make out…

By “Holiday” do you mean the Good Friday when I hooked up with super hot Alex? Or the Easter Sunday when I met him at the family brunch and learned he was my dad’s half-sister’s son?

I MADE A BURNER FOR EXACTLY THIS PURPOSE.

My coworker that I was hooking up with brought a date to the office Christmas party. Beginning of the night: um, ok dick. End of the night: sobbing tears. It got so bad that one of my other coworkers removed me from the party and then proceeded to make out with me in the alley outside. We ended up dating for 5 years.

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was…

I can vouch for that. I have enjoyed you occasionally.

Homeless junkie pees on yogurt shop floor = sad and pathetic, needs help.

Why would Tina even ask that question?!

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

Me and my sisters went to catholic school for a year when we were little because we were living in an area where my parents didn’t feel great about the public schools. (We’re not catholic.)

Well this is a story of my grandfather at a moment of great family sadness and pain.

Hey, you were halfway there...

My ex-fiance is now a priest (not Catholic), and one summer he stayed in the guest room at the parish priest’s house. I was between housing situations for a night, so they let me stay over, and we went at it like rabbits. So yeah, did it with an almost-priest in a current priest’s house.

I wrote a parody of Passion of the Christ (as a kind of performance art piece) that was so sacrilegious that my friends who performed in it had their kid taken away in a custody dispute when the Catholic judge was shown pics of it. Took years to straighten out. Worst thing I ever accidentally did.

First day of preschool, I showed every damn person in the building the new Minnie Mouse underwear I was wearing.

When I was in third grade I started school a week late because my family was in Europe. When I got back I thought all my friends would be excited to see me but instead I found out that someone had started a rumor I had died.

My first day of my senior year of college, some girl stopped me in the bookstore and asked if she could take a picture of me for some college fashion blog

you’re god damn right you can take a picture of me for your fashion blog