You're the author of my obesity.

All men are inherently terrible and every man who has ever cheated on a woman is basically the devil. But don't you ever say anything about a woman who cheats on a man, because that's slut shaming and that makes you basically a rapist.

Lincoln's reaction to the turtle secretly named n-word made me laugh so hard, and it reminded me of that joke from Hannibal's standup special where he told a story about finding really cheap apple juice at a supermarket, bought a bunch, and got a really disapproving look from an old white man at the checkout counter.

I'm going to get burned again. Anyone remember that show Alcatraz? Yeah, it was silly and never made anything close to sense, but it was fun and I enjoyed it. For one season, and then it was gone. I feel like it's inevitably going to happen again with Almost Human. The lead was a yummy blonde with a tight butt and her…

Barbarian.

I vaguely recall Howard Stern years ago talking about how she got her E! network show/job because she was dating one of the head guys at the company. I don't know the story though, but I do have vague recollections.

That will never happen. Haven't you heard? He's not famous anymore.

He really does look like a guy who loves to party. But on crack, rather than vodka. He looks like the kind of fellow who buys his vodka in gallon jugs, rather than crystal skulls.

Dressed like a cowboy in Manhattan.

Walter Matthound.

My whole town is losing its shit, as a hometown girl, Kaetlyn Osmond, won a silver medal today. It's all anybody is talking about, and I have to admit that it's kind of neat that somebody local is performing on the world stage.

Eat whatever the hell you want to eat. Nobody is going to live forever, no matter how few delicious things they ingest.

Thanks. I do indeed love indy wrestling. Big fan of Colt's, and I go to pretty much every local indy show. It's one of the few things that I feel really passionate about. It's remarkable how hard those guys and girls work for not much reward, just for the love of it.

'How much does the government pay you to attend university?'

I once smoked a bud that had been in my father's drawer and forgotten about for a good 10 years. He found it one day and gave it to me. Had been in one of those little gram baggies all that time.

Ooh, so sarcasm is being completely wrong about something. Got it.

It's not fuckin' rocket surgery.

I'm a Newfie, and Lord (pronounced 'lard') knows that we have goofy accents of our own, but to my ear the mainland Canadian accent is pretty pronounced. Yeah, the ladies in this video sound 'Canadian'.

I've long just sort of accepted that there was little of anything in the way of actual chicken in a McNugget, glad I was wrong. Not that I ever stopped enjoying them, they're the greatest chicken nugget on the planet.

I couldn't imagine the horror of living without burping. I'm a very gassy person, and take great pride in my burps. Loud and proud. I can also burp on command - its a skill that I've found few other people possess.