My sophomore year of college, Spring Break happened to coincide with Mardi Gras, so my frat-boy boyfriend, a bunch of his frat brothers, some stoners we knew from class, and a few of my sorority sisters and I caravanned from Atlanta to New Orleans.

So my friends and I all live on or around Dauphin Island. It’s a great place to live, but not during Spring Break because tourists descend upon the entire island like it’s the last stop before migrating across the ocean. We decided to hop the ferry an hour away to Gulf Shores, which is an even bigger Spring Break…

I was an obnoxiously good kid, but my own kids have definitely made me feel like a tool in public. When my daughter was five, we were walking through whole foods and she spotted someone with Dwarfism stocking the shelves. She started shouting, “I found him! I found Rumpelstiltskin!! It’s Rumpelstiltskin!” I wanted.…

When I was really little (and apparently a shitty kid), my mom took me shopping and we were standing in line at a small bakery. When my mom had ordered and paid, she told me we were leaving and for some reason this was unacceptable to me. Instead of throwing a normal temper tantrum, out of nowhere I threw my body to…

I was a very good kid (honor roll, community service awards, all that jazz). But once, in high school, I threw a giant rager while my parents were home sleeping. I invited my friends over after they went to bed, which was a fairly normal occurrence, but we decided to drink their wine, which was not normal for us good…

I once peed in my pants, leaving a foot-wide puddle, in the middle of a store to make a point to my mom about how much I didn’t want to go shopping with her and how much I hated that she dragged me outside when all I wanted to do was hide in my room and never have to interact with anyone ever. I was 13. She called my…

I was the eldest of 3, in a lower middle class family with not much money. My parents splurged on a new, expensive recliner one day for my dad. A few nights later they went out and left the 3 of us home. Not a good idea.

I made my mom give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dying hamster. This was the second hamster to die in a short period of time. Hamster number 1 escaped and was very likely murdered by a cat, so we were already traumatized. I was sobbing and she had to so something, so she laid a piece of cloth over this probably…

That’s certainly better than thinking the poor kid was making the whole thing up to cope, or that he might have been seeing things like some hallucination.

Yeah, the story that’s missing is how the kid ended up that lost in the first place.

It’s pretty obvious what happened.  There was no bear.  It was Bigfoot.

That’s really shitty and I don’t get why anyone would ever do this to a child. One of my current pet peeves is that stupid thing they do every year at Halloween, when the parents tell their kids that they ate all their candy and then the kids cry and the parents post it on youtube or some other form of social media.…

No we were married for a few years and now we are not. It definitely got way worse than his family not liking me.

Oh Id forgotten the time my dna donor announced that she wanted to come to my new house for Christmas and wanted me to pay for it because otherwise I was keeping her from her family. She showed up with a huge male dog that she paid to fly and had previously tried to convince me to take that I had made clear I could not…

When I was 19 I lived in Montreal. The drinking age is 18 there, and at the time I had pretty average drinking habits comparable to most university students and definitely on par with all of my roommates (social drinks at parties or at music shows or events, no blackouts, no puking, not even hangovers in class, very…

And the thing is, she probably liked it too but because it belonged to them as a couple, she had to banish it from the house.  

Oh god, i thought of a second place worst present. When I was 9,  I wanted a Sega Genesis so damn bad. But it wasn’t under the tree so I figured we couldn’t afford it and moved on. We then went to bitch grandma’s house for the rest of the day. My asshole parents spent the whole day teasing me about pouting because I…

My paternal grandmother was a major bitch and she hated me but loved my little sister. She was not coy about this. The phrase “It’s a shame you aren’t pretty like your sister. Smarts will get you nowhere is life.” Once came out of her mouth. And one Thanksgiving when I was 13, she questioned my paternity at dinner.

My husband and I worked really hard to pick an appropriate gift for our very close, very stylish friends. They lived in a huge, meticulously decorated home and had very particular tastes. We settled on a lovely, not inexpensive artisan fruit bowl. We were both so pleased at how much they liked it. I legit saw it in…

A) fuck your mom, what a horrific way to treat your child