(Just to be safe...TW)

There's just something that's so comforting about a really good stout. It's like a slice of fresh-baked bread you can drink!

I can't find the clip, but Naked Gun 33 1/3 has an entire act that takes place at the Oscars, and all the nominees for Best Supporting Actress are in films that sound exactly like what this thing is spitting out:

Why hello there Courtney Vance and Angela Bassett! I had no idea they were married IRL.

Jessica Lange and Danny Huston make old people sex look hot.

As usual, People Magazine is smoking crack. Amy Adams is thinner, with a svelte face, colored eyes, and small boobs. Isla Fisher has a rounder, fuller figure; rounder face, brown eyes, and some amazing knockers.

They are both Amy Adams.

Judgy wudgy much, Buzzfeed?

I saw Reign of Fire while out on a date. It was as boring and uninspired as the guy I went out with. Or maybe my date was the bore and it colored my perception of the film?

It's like she's trying to look like a blonde Kristin Kreuk:

Mmm hmm.

Heather Locklear? Really? More like:

Lighting does weird things to the way people look. I used to be in theater and the make-up people would make me up like they were frosting a cake; they'd pile it on real thick. And a couple of shades darker than my actual complexion I might add.

I'm sure James Bond and other cinematic bad asses have driven their share of Jaguars back in the day, but none of that matters because OMG BETH DRIVES A JAGUAR SO NOW I HAVE TO HAVE ONE.

Warrants cannot be all encompassing. They have to state the subject of the search with relative specificity, otherwise, they're defective.

As a recovering Catholic, I approve this message.

Sweetie, I'm a brown woman. What fucking privilege?