Pixies don’t have pupils. That’s how you can tell.

There is something particularly eye wringing about the way this baby just snuck her way out. No fuss about her conception, her gestation, even her birth. She just sprang out healthy and made everyone’s day. Good work, baby girl.

see this kind of story is why I lose my mind if my period’s two weeks late even though I haven’t seen a dick in a year

True story - my mom and grandma have curly hair. My grandma had always gotten shit at jobs for her hair. When she finally got a union job, she wore a straight wig for her entire probationary period (a few months?) ad then the day after her probation was up, she wore her real hair to work and they couldn't say a damn…

It’s straight up insanity. Kid Electron’s classmate started up with an all-star cheer program, and her mom’s been putting pressure on me to sign up Kid as well. It would cost more per month than her school tuition, and that’s not including the mandatory practice uniforms, two performance uniforms and assorted poms…

Cuckoo bananas is the perfect description for it.

I’ll only accept coffee if it comes in this cup:

John 6:55

I don’t know. They may have a point. Those cups don’t look anything like the ones Jesus drank his Gingerbread Lattes out of.

Has anyone ever (ACCIDENTALLY) had this happen with a relative (BY ACCIDENT) and never forgotten the shame and horror of turning your head at the wrong moment and kissing your gross uncle on the mouth (OH MY GOD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT).

You found a crypt underneath Manhattan? Can I take a look?

Please tell me she drunkenly sang Jolene at this glorious event. If not, we need to expedite time travel to ensure she does.

The pizza dough is more delicious than anywhere else because the water is made of corpses.

But Mr. & Mrs. Smith was really fun!

UGH this couple ALREADY

Ahh, old loves. Burt Reynolds is still in love with Sally Field!

I’m in favor of whatever makes this go as fast as possible.

I ship Burt and Sally so fucking hard. Excuse me while I go write all the Smokey and the Bandit fanfic.

“And in tonight’s performance the role of Yorick’s skull will be played by none other than the esteemed playwright himself”