I hate headlines like this. I hate stories like this.

Required:

Motherforking toit. 

It will be forking noice. 

Title of your sex tape.

Toit, even.

How long do you let your tacos sit around? I have no issue with soggy tocos because I assemble and then eat.

Yeah, this is a policy at the Lincoln Library, the public library of Springfield IL, NOT the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. I work here at the public library. And this is hilarious. Contact me for more info.

“Her first pitch, thrown from the rubber,”

These are an “acquired taste”? I was today years old when I first heard of them and I’d eat a brace of them this very second if I could.

If you aren’t bruising your cucumbers, you aren’t making your Screaming Vikings correctly.

The correct answer is Scotch eggs.

I loved that show. It got the characterisations exactly right. Kermit’s stress over his staff’s conduct was wonderful. And Uncle Deadly as Miss Piggy’s wardrobe man was positively delicious.

Hey, The Muppets is more than decent. It’s good, even.

As a man who is constantly seeking Harmony, I welcome this study’s instructions to partake in both...

My first job was bagging groceries at a Winn Dixie in a very wealthy neighborhood. Without fail the customers who would make the biggest fuss over a couple bucks of coupons were women dripping in jewelry and driving hundred thousand dollar cars.

I used to work in a vet posh vet hospital outside of Philadelphia, and once took Veronica Biddle (heiress to the Biddles of “Bailey, Banks and Biddle” fame) to small claims court over a $36 bag of dog food that she thought that she was entitled to.

I make a decent living (although no one would call me “wealthy”), but I’ve been known to make a stink over $5-$10 if I know the charge is bullshit. I’m generally a pragmatist, but stuff like that will bring out the principled (i.e. obnoxiously self-righteous) side of my personality.

I work at a bank, and I have a coworker who always complains that it’s people with $20k who call in over a $5 fee. “Rich people are so stingy!” she complains.

“If everything is electronic, not only can employees not steal from you...”