That's a whopper. Are you blind?

I use a ceramic knife. The ceramic makes it MUCH easier to cut winter squash!

What about for our friends in India? Is there a setting for allowing drivers to drive on whatever side of the road they damn well please?

I believe you're thinking of Demolition Man there.

Because it has all the drawbacks of a 70s Ford with all the charm of a 90s Ford.

Don't you mean #FISTworldproblems? I'll see myself out (slams door).

"TL;DR"

The twist is that the author of this e-mail was Tyler the entire time (spoiler alert).

I've been on the other side of that. I was waiting tables once, and a guy ordered a Dewer's and water. So the bartender made it for him. When I checked on the table a short while later, the guy says, "this scotch tastes watered down. And you forgot to bring me my water." And no, he didn't say "give me a Dewer's…

"[The victims] were told that only those who get castrated will be able to meet God,"

Yes, Amatriciana

That GIF has me dying laughing every time I watch it. Good lord.

Pasta all'Amatriciana, I think.

I like his comparison of the thesaurus to Cliff's Notes-type books. Just as those plot-summary books are basically worthless in terms of replicating the experience of the actual novel, a list of synonyms can't give you any real understanding of those words. Really, the only worthwhile path to a broad vocabulary is…

A shot glass (2.5 oz) makes a fair egg cup. A sugar-spoon or lobster fork is tiny enough to get in there and bust off morsels of egg-white. There should be at least one of each in your grandma's good silver.

Roommate walked in while this video was playing and I was under blankets...I have no regrets.

They add that weirdly undefinable final taste of umami. Anchovies immediately add more complexity to the flavor profile of basically anything you put them in, without overwhelming the flavors of the main ingredients. Even if they do look kind of gross and sad sitting in their tin of olive oil.

From what I've seen, it's hard to keep cats out of boxes.