Gaaaaahhhhhd B99's cold opens really are the best in the business. I can rely on each episode for at least two genuine out-loud cackles, and the cold open gets me every time.

Automatically enrolled? 20%???!!!!?!?!?

I mean, probably, right? Kincaid seems like much more a polo shirt guy to me. Tucked in. To corduroys.

The moment I lost my password to my coffee-vendor app was the moment I started saving an extra $25-50 a month.

His reasoning seems pretty clear to me: he’s aiming to replace Jared Padalecki on Supernatural as soon as Padalecki signs on to the much-anticipated Thomas “the Painter of Light” Kincaid biopic sequel.

So toxic. So dramatic. SO GOOD.

And you <3

What a strange time to be alive, in which half the comments on a Starbucks post are defending the “annoying” customers in a Kevin Smith movie. What’s next—is someone going to defend the EGG GUY???? Or the Shannon character in Mallrats?! Friends, let me just stop you before you get there: Ben Affleck is indefensible.

I’m so sorry you went through that. The self-loathing really was the worst part. It’s easier to be betrayed by others than to betray yourself. <3 <3 <3 I think you know this now, but you are NOT the villain, my friend!

Yup. If I stayed with him and said “I love you,” then maybe I could just get over the fact that I was shaking and weeping the first time we had sex.

AHA THAT WAS A TEST GOOD JOB

Oh, is this video hosted by Jake Peralta and Kevin R Cozner?

I had a similar position at Best Buy and would have stuck around if it didn’t cap at $13ish/hour. Did you, too, get to avoid all customers except in cases of extreme register-related antics?

I’ll see it just because I need to know the circumstances under which Kate McKinnon needs to wear that magnficent dapper-femme look.

I am a big fan of ground turkey in place of ground beef, especially in a casserole situation. Chances are that all the other parts of the casserole are going to make up for the less juicy turkey.

He was awful from the beginning. I was surprised the producers edited most of his grossness out of All-Stars; I can’t imagine he’d actually changed by then, so that has to be the reason he was less vocal about his distaste for “girls in the kitchen.”

But...fucking WHY THOUGH?

She’s just planning a super-group, guys:

And, honestly, fuck JT for getting to make cute winky jokes about the wardrobe malfunction.

Hi, as long as Grocery Guy up there doesn’t bitch when his wife gives up in despair over his insistence on making the very simple task of putting away the groceries a frickin 8-step process and goes to watch Bob’s Burgers instead, he can jump through whatever organizational hoops he wants.