My husband and I are planning (vaguely) to do a driving tour of the north and Scotland (someday, if I can ever get any practice driving somewhere outside of London)—I am definitely putting this on my list!

In central London, 5th floor bar at the Waterstones on Piccadilly is a chill place to enjoy a book and a glass of wine. Good views and no one will bother you, but don’t expect fast service. But they won’t care if you nurse a glass of wine for 2 hours either.

If any of you venture to the North of England, near the Scottish border, definitely visit Barter Books in Alnwick. You can go there after you've visited the castle where they filmed the first two Harry Potter films, strolled through the stunning town, maybe had a walk along the spectacular coast. Then, when in the…

Sorry, not trying to a pain, genuinely confused - it may be a regional difference thing. We certainly refer to Dominoes and Pizza Hut versions of pizza as “fast food”, but wouldn’t if it was an actual pizza parlor - same with burgers, Maccas is fast food, Grilled is in between, but a proper burger joint is not fast…

When I first started bartending someone ordered a vodka soda from me with Three Olives. We’re a small bar and don’t have room for a ton of brands, so... yeah. Easily fixed, though.

I had prepared myself for jakes death

I know this is not the part of the story I’m meant to care about, but... You stopped in at Pizza Hut because ... you wanted something other than fast food. You went to Pizza Hut...to avoid fast food? Pizza Hut...Not fast food?! I’m sorry, but surely Pizza Hut, Dominoes etc ARE fast food?

Also the Russian lady’s cadence is so Shonda and as a result completely unrealistic that I can’t focus.

My parents watch the real Fox News and I gotta say I would totally enjoy a Sally Langston show. Probably for the same reason other people watch The Real Housewives.

I sometimes wonder...is it wrong for a gay man to be in love with the bigoted firecracker that is former Vice-President Sally Langston? I’d watch the shit out of The Liberty Report on Faux News.

CUCUMBERS LIVEIN THE SEA.

Oh, I hope she doesn’t read this but I think I have a nominee for dimmest Starbucks employee of all time.

Ha! I had a friend who came to the US from Russia not speaking a whole lot of English. Her first job here was at a lunch counter. Whenever she couldn’t understand what the customer asked for, she just gave them tuna. Almost no one ever complained, and she was never quite sure if it was because she was cute, they felt…

Fennel with pineapple and chicken salad?! I think I’d rather have sea cucumber.

So it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m in this upscale paper/stationary store in this upscale part of town, talking on my phone to my husband. I am standing amid an enormous display of fancy Christmas crackers (those things you pull apart to reveal a toy or gift, plus usually a paper crown which his family thinks you can’t…

“she was talking to the dishwasher”

I’ve posted this story before, but fuck it, I’m telling it again.

I was interested, so I ask the woman who was taking my order, “What’s a hand-dipped shake?”

My parents used to manage a small restaurant for what had to be the dumbest restaurant owners in the known universe. One of their quirks (ok, signs of insanity) was that they had family recipes for things that included ingredients that no one would expect - fennel in large quantities in the chicken salad, tarragon in…