I'm always on Pinterest looking for cute short nail art ideas. I'm a writer, too, and I need super short nails to live.

"David Cronenberg." That should explain basically everything.

I'm pro expression, but I hate the clickety-clackety sound of too-long fake nails on keyboards. I also just don't get the physics of it. I used to work with a woman who was a typist and also did medical transcription and had insanely long nails. I was so horrified and fascinated I almost couldn't handle it. Like, WHAT…

I am oddly attracted to these.

It looks good on you too. I swear. JUST DO IT

Jane, my darling. $40 is not almost free. I think I'm getting priced out of enjoying Millihelen.

You've got to cut those suckers, sorry. I work in medical software and there is nothing - NOTHING - more annoying than attempting to train someone with talons. They can't type, they're slow as SHIT, and for some reason, they're always slower than the rest of the staff to catch on. (I am in NO way implying you're…

I know this pain all too well. A couple of years ago I visited a famous/fancy nail salon in London. I shelled out MAD pounds and 3 hours of my vacation time to get these gorgeous, long talons put on. It wasn't until I went to the bathroom that I realized I had just rendered myself a fucking useless mess.

Agreed. As soon as mine get past my fingertips, I start freaking out and have to file them down until they're even. I'm seriously in the bathroom stall at work stealthily filing my nails, as guilty and nervous as if I was snorting coke off my compact or something.

Girl, this is an intervention.

all of my long beautiful nails that I was so carefully growing out and was going to get shellacked before I went on my trip to Paris next month JUST STARTED BREAKING ON ME THIS WEEK.

MY THUMB LOOKS LIKE MEGAN FOX THUMB. TOE THUMB. I HAVE TOE THUMB.

I honestly can't imagine having nails that long- my nails break if they get longer than 1/4" and honestly, by that point they're inconvenient enough that I just let them do it. I have no idea how ladies with 1/2-1" long nails live.

Since I am totally the Allen in my relationship, I can totally leave a message just for Allen, right? Ok, here goes. I hope you are listening (um, reading?) Allen:

OMG Mark, you = me and Allen = my now husband.

"But I want to get married!"

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

I haven't commented since like August (that who dick gif thing put me off for awhile...) but Mark, you're my favorite voice on Jezebel right now! Your Allen stories make me embarrassed to read them in public because I laugh too much in quiet coffee shops.

Mark will you have unicorn at your wedding??? will it be broadcasted to the world??

Mark you are adorable and I just love the way you write!! And THIS!