It won’t be Congress keeping ACA protections​, kicking poor sick people to the curb or treating rape as a pre-existing condition​ that shuts down this bill.

“There’s more in the tank.”

Screw that, I just piss in trash cans.

Jackson would have resolved it by making the North slave states.

I think he was talking about how someone threw peanuts at him. I guess he felt a-salted.

The only solace I can find is that Trump must hate being president as much as I hate that he’s president

A guy who always watches you, breaks into your house while you’re sleeping and gives kids gifts to make them trust him?

D cells have the heft, but I find C cells to be far more accurate. And you can’t underestimate a 9 Volt’s ability to tear out a chunk of skin on a good shot.

Of course it was going to O’Hare.

Several inches upward before replacing it on the ground...

Typical rich men: always trying to underpay their hard-working Butler.

Depends on where you go.

The game supposedly was made in 1997.

“Don’t forget it was raining. Such a downpour... And suddenly, just before the picture was taken, the clouds parted. And I know God was looking down on us, because suddenly Bill Belichick’s skin burst into flames.”

He’ll just borrow Putin’s.

Well, I’m no horticulturalist, but if that was weed, I’d be stoned right now instead of just drunk. Have you ever seen a pot plant? They grow upright. Those are just flat growing weeds, not flat growing weed. Why, if it weren’t for the fact that I know that the internet is a bastion of knowledge to present truth and…

From the terrorist attack Sean Spicer made up...

Rest easy. North Korea has the bomb, but their delivery systems are missiles with a 25% success rate of reaching 200 miles. The people I’m worried about are in SK and Japan.

I call it my “morning constipational”.

It’s a joke, buddy. Calm down.