• Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson are getting sued for copyright infringement over “Uptown Funk” [TMZ]

I was briefly married for all the wrong reasons to the wrongest of Mr. Wrongs. Someone calls and says “X is on my sofa right now. I wish you would come and make him leave. What kind of wife are you?” My answer? “The grateful kind. Thanks for taking him off my hands. Best of luck to ya!”

You know who isn’t happy with 24/7 pizza? Hitler.

HOW HAVE I NEVER NOTICED THE FACE ON THE SCALE?!?!?

Happy to see ‘Long Black Veil’ included, always one of those creepy “traditional” songs I love. Johnny Cash nails it of course, and The Band do a solid version on Music From Big Pink but I’ve always been of the mind that Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds can’t be topped.

Anyone, sex workers included, has the right to say no, whenever they want, including when they’re on the clock. Sex worker =/= sex slave. Also, what’s your profession? Can I come over and bug you for goods or services while you’re not at work? Can I do so repeatedly after you’ve told me to bugger off? No? Oh, well, I…

I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I don’t actually think we’re in an alternate reality, but I do think the Berenstein Bears thing is weird and funny, because like you I could swear that was the name when I was a kid.

Oh for fucks sake who gives a shit? Excuse me if I can’t be bothered with how the supermodels of the 90s weep for what (may or may not have) happened to their “craft.”

Ouija boards are such bad news. My brother and my cousin picked one up off the side of a country road where they said it looked like it had been flung from someone’s car. His house was so haunted after that that more often than not I’d wake up and he’d be sleeping on my parents’ couch. He moved out of the house but it…

I believe you. Holy crap. Your experience sounds like something Aaron Mahnke would be interested in.

You must not know ‘bout Bey. That’s nothing. She had her hair sucked into a huge fan while she was singing “Halo” but she just kept on singing the song perfectly while her people tried to figure out how to unattach her from the machinery.

They’re better for the environment with less risk of spoilage! They don’t provide as many pinterest craft ops though.

Twist offs are good though. I don’t drink shitty wine and my wine is almost always twist off. My dad is in the wine business and they’ve done twist off for years because they’ve found it produces superior product compared to cork.

Calling it now. $10mil plus settlement. Even when they lose, they win. Ugh!

Legally Bland

My thought upon reading this study was: “You know what else is really depressing? The thought of, every month for the rest of my life, having to miss three days of doing anything because I’m vomiting from pain while blood gushes out of my vagina.”

Do you know what is proven to make me depressed? Other men trying any means necessary to restrict a woman’s right to safe, affordable, and available health care.

This LAZBOY is just a tremendous chair, really, I have one and I have the best chairs, the most respected chairs. We’re having an affair.

Pure liberal propaganda. Trump loves women. He has great respect for women. All of the women. Except the fat ones. But I’ll tell you women respect him right back. The best women respect him and none of the ugly ones. We’re going to defeat Isis and bring back women.