Well, sometimes an oops works out for the best. And if he eats and shits at the same time, it’s good that you didn’t marry his ass.

Of course nothing else was taken! She absconded with that drum kit while everyone was out of the house. Nobody filed a police report or an insurance claim. My borther made her give me back the money I spent on the kit, but that ain’t the point. But he says the subject is “radioactive and not to be discussed”. Sneaky…

And still, you married him and blessed him with children. Which underscores the theory that any man in America, no matter how gross or inadequate, can find a woman of quality who will love and marry him. Whereas women have to look like Halle Berry and behave like Kate MIddleton to find a decent husband, much less…

Oh believe me, I’m already on her Permanent Shit List. I’m still single and happily childless, so she ain’t scheming on the payback yet. My brother is a musician/recording engineer who married his girl as soon as the rabbit died. He walked away from a very lucrative career touring with a major act to get off the road…

I feel ya. I always forget about the over-wound thing with crumb snatchers when they get over stimulated. I’m the “fun uncle” who comes over to play on the weekends, winds them up all afternoon, then heads home after dinner. But I always think that roughousing with kids tires them out so they’ll go straight to sleep…

But is Big Foot your wife or your daughter? Becuz if she’s your kid, she clearly learned that crazy at home, which is on you. But if she’s your wife and she wasn’t an eastern European mail order bride, then your ass knew she does simultaneous input & output before you married her, didn’t ya?

Anyone older than 7 needs to stop with the yarn braids.

Let him stay up. He’s 3 — he doesn’t have to go to work in the morning. Or school. It’s kinda crazy to try and force someone to go to sleep when they’re not tired, isn’t it? Who made up that rule in the first place?

Because it’s a brilliant idea to have a Mojito in the same room where you take a shit, right?

Jason Derulo is a jackass. A bar in your bathroom is as ghetto as it gets.