Jeebus. She could have performed that trick while clearing the top of her own head. Think about that. To be able to jump higher than you are tall (even with the support of tensioned floors). It’s incredible.

Apparently he believes clawing your way back from the brink of extinction builds character.

“Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

Sure, they’re cute now. But in a second they’re gonna get mean. And they’re gonna get ugly somehow. And there’s gonna be a million more of them.

Most accurate review of the movie I ever read was one day after the release: it read “Everything works whenever the lightsabers come out. The rest of the time, there’s always something stumbling.”

Donald Trump: “People say he only smiles when he sees me.”

Never said pleasing, just less intimidating.

I knew it.  Somebody noticed Obama’s signature.  If it’s got Obama’s name on it, Trump will repeal it.  Especially when he doesn’t understand it.

Super Mario Bros.

Who’s kidding who here? Trump dreams about hunting poor people every night, but he can’t imagine working that hard, so - in his dreams - he tries to kill them with exploding golf balls.

Talking to yourself in the third person is your business: Whatever floats your boat.

“Nobody understands the swooshes and the sweeps on the outside. And we’ve seen a lot of people asking, like, why do you guys do it that way?”

Only after three or four extremely unpleasant years in prison.

The only gratitude I hold for U2 is that their movie introduced me to Satan and Adam.

He supports Trump, but not his actual personality or any conscious mental activity. Only his politics and his goat-like reflexes.

There’s something about that picture that makes me think it’s actually moving - the ring of teeth, the creature’s coat, the girl’s elbow - just very, very, very subtly. It’s creeping me out, man.

Did you see the video of Times Square when the motorcycle backfired?

In Texas, if you are going to prohibit firearms in your own home or place of business, you have to post a notice in prominent view of all visitors - two full paragraphs of text in letters that are over an inch tall, in English AND Spanish.

Thoughts and prayers and paper towels.

Trump still owes a great deal of money to El Paso for expenses incurred by his political rally earlier in the year. I’d love to see them just hand him an actual invoice, right there in front of the cameras.