I got a shamrock shake a couple years ago out of pure nostalgia, having loved it as a kid. It might have been the most unpleasant fast food dining experience in my life. It was thick and slimy in texture, with a vicious chemically burn in the back of the throat. It tasted like cheap Chinese dollar store "Cress" or…

Working title for a collection of Philip K. Dick stories: A Bundle of Dicks?

A friend liked it so much, it was all Genny Cream kegs at his wedding.

I listen to a lot of NPR podcasts, and Lagunitas' relentless, pretentious bullshit ad campaign is making me hate them.

LAGER HER UP! LAGER HER UP!

He was a prominent secondary character from the first season, so you definitely saw him.

I watched it regularly for at least a couple seasons, and I have virtually no memory of it beyond the principal cast. RIP Miguel Ferrer.

In my experience you don't, because it's never reciprocated.

*elaborate eyeroll*

Immigrants, I knew it was them! Even when it was the Minus the Bear, I knew it was them!

Yes, Kathryn Hahn is a national treasure.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!!!

Of course. I've seen him on Futurama

After the Sept blew up, they were finding bits of religion all over the city.

The wife? This morning. Why, do you think she's left me since then?? Noooo, I'm too old and cranky to date again!!

Thanks! Follow up: when should I tell my wife of 10 years about this other woman?

I was dating this one girl, but she hasn't called me back. After how many days is it clear that I've been ghosted? So far, it's been…4895 days.

And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

She came onto me and made me her piece on the side while she was already involved in a triad with a man and woman who were "married" in a druid ceremony. Then she dumped me for a neighborhood guy who was breaking into houses.

I have still never listened to Dawes. They're like Schrodinger's band to me: unobserved, they exist in all possible states.