I can begin crying in about 30 seconds by thinking about this moment I saw out my window a decade ago - a very old man slowly walking a very old dog, who was slowly slowly wagging its tail. Just an old dog having a pretty good day. Waterworks.

I think the squish factor when biting anything as tough as a bagel is being missed here. I see a bite on one side bursting a seam or squirting innards up the side of your face, which, if hot, may lead to why-so-serious style scarring.