Literally all I keep thinking

Thank you for this excellent piece! I was surprised but thrilled to see it on Deadspin!

Oh hellllllll no. I hope you smiled and told them that you look forward to the cleaning service they’re going to pay for.

This Google Doc is literally life-changing.

Off-topic, but nobody hustles like Wendi Deng, and I kind of have to respect her for that. She made out like a bandit in her divorce, and now she’s dating a 21-year-old model. I can’t even be mad at that kind of game.

Sadly, I think it is. I saw a female comedian do a stand-up “rape joke” one time about how 1 in 4 women will be a victim of sexual assault, and so whenever women are alone with a man, they think, “Is this going to be ‘my’ rape? Am I finally going to join that 1-in-4 club?” It rang so true to me.

Cinderella is the fucking best. She endured horrible childhood trauma with an unbelievable amount of grace and patience, and then got her payback in the most badass way.

But sausage and kale is such a good combination!

I have had a pimple on my cheek for over 2 months now. About a month ago, it got lonely, and a friend sprouted up right next to it. This morning, I woke up to a big one just underneath. WHAT THE FUCK?!

aww I’m so sorry. I hope you’re back to feeling more like yourself very soon. Internet hugs!

I milked Miss until I got married in my mid-20s, which was the first time someone called me “ma’am.” I guess the jig was up. :-/

Oh, also, for people invited to the wedding, make sure that your DJ or officiant or whatever announces you by your full names. When the officiant says, “It is my pleasure to introduce for the first time as a married couple William Carey and Mary Bolelyn,” that’s pretty obvious.

Definitely tell people! It’s your name. Don’t let people screw it up because you are worried about being nice. Most of your friends and family members will likely ask if you’re changing your name, and if they don’t, keeping your name the same on Facebook is a big clue. Also, make sure your return address…

I really want to see it, but I’m too scared. I haaaate scary movies, and the trailer for Get Out scared the crap out of me. Sorry, Jordan Peele. I support you, but I can’t see your movie.

Such a fun idea!

My husband has been out-of-town on business this week, so I’ve ordered delivery almost every night. It is not helping me in my quest to tone up my fat belly.

I guarantee someone will wear this at Coachella.

You have given this far more thought than he has.

Nah. Shade is subtle. That was definitely not subtle.

OMG that is shady AF. I cackled.