Ok, first of all, Patrick studied rocks at Berkeley. Second of all, he’s not smarter than anyone.

Is there a number I need to get at the counter to get in line to write for the NYT, or will they just call my name when it’s my turn?

“Daniel Jones out here dropping dimes.”

Pretty sure this is actually a list of Bristol Palin’s exes.

You heard it here first, folks. Your mom is fair game! 

“I don’t like baseball so instead of not paying attention to baseball posts, I am going to Deadspin, the SPORTS blog, to take a shit at the bottom of a baseball fan interaction (weekend) post by complaining about a completely different Deadspin baseball post.”

Mandatory cravats.

I absolutely do not have to admire that.

I think my apartment would fit in her cleavage!

give it time

I called the cops on Deadspin when they banned me way back when, and the police just told me that I was actually in a Wendy’s so I got a baconator and everything was fine.

I read the whole blog  and despite it being about machinations at the court of Kings did not see any indication of What Time is Game of Thrones On

KATE MCKINNON IS PLAYING THANOS!!!??? FUCK YEAH!!!

I’ve been asking for like five years now and I am not 👏 giving 👏 up. 👏 

Could have been worse. You could have left off the last four words of your headline.

One of the Name of The Year metrics I use is the “Spy at Baccarat Table” test where I try to imagine the person trying to introduce themselves as innocuously as possible in a luxury setting. Ionosphere Torres and Pretzel Montecarlo scored very well in that test.

This is how I imagine their wedding:

Have they considered just not paying players and instead offer them experience and worthless degrees?

It’s meant to be read left to right. The first die, the extremely busted one, represents the Ball family past: Big Baller Brand, Lonzo’s first couple years in the league, the China shoplifting fiasco, the Lithuanian minor leagues, LiAngelo going undrafted, the hiring of a tattoo artist who claimed he could draw cubes..…

I would’ve told the NBA that my tattoo was to honor the Better Business Bureau, and then if they still insisted I cover it up, reported the NBA to the Better Business Bureau.