Calm down there, Satan.

There should be a special state law that says if you make a delivery guy deliver without tipping him in the middle of a storm, he should legally be able to throw you down the stairs. The higher up you live, the more steps he gets to use.

This is not discrimination against women.

Outstanding. But let’s not give credit to the NHL for doing the right thing when it’s entirely their fault that the wrong thing happened.

Feast Mode.

Both the same age AND both dying of cancer. FUCK. CANCER.

TMBG is like Randy Newman; everybody THINKS they know the musician because they’ve heard a few songs from a TV show or a movie, and then you whip out something like, in TMBG’s case, “Shadow Government” or “First Kiss.”

...which sounds hip and cool until you remember that They Might Be Giants were one of the most annoyingly precious bands of the 1990s.

Fitting we crown a new Troll King, as the Goblin King just passed away.

For some reason I don’t feel like blaming the loss on the only guy who scored points for his team yesterday.

Seriously? Has Russell Wilson’s faith ever hurt anyone? I mean, if that’s going to be your criteria for deciding who to root for, I think the choice between a guy who beats a child and a guy who is a little too pious is pretty easy...

I don’t know how much Lovie really helped Jameis. Kid was already pretty offensive before he got to Tampa Bay.

Stupid. Just stupid.

As a Timbers fanboy I am contractually obligated to argue that Nat Borchers has the best beard in MLS, maybe even in all of soccer. Andrea Pirlo looks like Alan Rickman in Die Hard.

Doesn’t matter that he never helps on defense, doesn’t run, and basically stands in the middle third of the pitch. He sells tickets, has a kickass instragram, and his blood is 40% merlot.

For some weird reason, my father told me that if you cut off your belly button, your butt would fall off. This fucking fascinated me, and I would spent way too much time thinking about what the inner workings of the human body could possibly be to make sure a thing happen.

Not several, two! It’s not a big difficult number…

Yeah, exactly. The Russians have been doing this for longer than the US, and better too (it's not as if the US hasn't had its share of tragic casualties of the space program).

We're not "entrusting" anyone with anything, we're begging them for a ride because we've driven our own space program into the ground.