Rolex Oyster Perpetual DateJust?

TLDR: too little, too late

Poor Tom. Who's left not to high five him now?

At first, when I read he was involved in "nail art", I was like, huh? I don't know why, because I have nail art on all fingers and toes right now. Take me away, Water Joe!

The dog turned into a lady once he went past.

"After all, with 30 seconds left in a meaningless preseason game, how many people could have actually been listening anyway?" How tone deaf can you be? Obviously the remaining listening demographic would be one that wanted to milk every moment of time from the broadcast.

From his expression in the photo, it looks like he's been lost for awhile.

Who the heck puts ranch dressing on their ear?

You are so fancy! With me, it's only one or the other, usually the pizza.

He'd be a perfect fit.

Maybe his problem is a stroke, or is that getting too personal?

Step 3a) Be sure Michael J Fox is manning the camcorder.

In unrelated campus news, the University of Iowa Police have closed the theft case long plaguing the sugar cube stash at the staff coffee service.

It's breeding season?

If the text is supposed to be weaving back and forth through her parts, then why does the A at the beginning of her name just start smack-dab on her abdomen?

Perverse love of Schadenfreude makes me wish it were Donnie Wahlberg.

So, zero fucks were given?

Are there really just three flavor lines, and dozens of labeling options that get chosen randomly for each batch?

That's his horrible gnarled hand. TELL ME THAT'S HIS HORRIBLE GNARLED HAND!

It must be a bitch to try to schedule all those vacation days.