I tried to teach my six year old how to make biscuits yesterday. Girl is not ready for a pastry blender. That shit was overworked.

WHY IS THIS WOMAN WAGING WAR ON CHRISTMAS?!?!?!?!?!?!

This made me laugh, between Bowie bawling:

I don’t know why I’m up so late but now I regret it doubly because my day ends in sadness.

I think she’s saying that so far she has chosen not to have a pregnancy and PP has helped her achieve that. She might have even meant they helped her succeed in that goal? The word successful is kinda confusing in there, but I don’t think she means kids=no success.

Reachingggggg.

No. Being proud of her own success - at her career and at not getting pregnant - is not an implied criticism of other women.

It was her quinceañera.

I think some people reach such a level of handsomeness that they go all the way back around into undesirable.

One of my dogs despairs of my intelligence constantly. It’s the funniest thing. He loves me like crazy and would die for me without blinking, but he just cannot figure out why I’m too stupid to realize that it would be much more efficient to cross perpendicular streets diagonally, or what possible reason I could have…

Yes...and?

Unfortunately, whenever my boy cat makes biscuits, he often follows up by licking his raging boner.

Ask and you shall receive:

This is bullshit. I need to see some cat pants.

what is the point of pants if they don’t cover your butthole?

Yeah but what if you don’t have any good stories to tell about your current life? I mean, I missed celebrating my first million because I hit the mark while I was in the hospital recovering from my penis reduction surgery. That’s just embarrassing.