mistakenforstars31
david bowie's nipple antennae
mistakenforstars31

I’d say she could she could pick a cheek and kiss it, but I already have one asshole down there. Two would be superfluous.

She’s an asshole.

Yeah but what if you don’t have any good stories to tell about your current life? I mean, I missed celebrating my first million because I hit the mark while I was in the hospital recovering from my penis reduction surgery. That’s just embarrassing.

Quoting a relatively unoffensive Bible verse makes someone a Bible thumper? K.

Imagine all the dick pictures the poor people down at Eckerds used to have to see.

In college my roommate and I decided to throw a generalized “winter” party. We cut out paper snowflakes, put Christmas lights everywhere, holiday colored jello shots, etc. We had about 50 people in our tiny apartment, had an awesome party, cops came, people had to leave, yada yada yada...

My old POS car got broken into once, right outside of my apartment, and all they stole was some burned mix CDs. Joke’s on those assholes though because Summer Jamz ‘08 wasn't even my best summer jam!

How do we sue Chad Kroeger for Nickelback?

I am waiting for run in place for 5 minutes dude.

me, anytime tina does anything.

Not going to feel much pity for Cruise. He clearly took his children with Nicole Kidman away from her. Whether he’s not seeing Suri because Katie is a Suppresive Person or because Katie opposes his religion, it’s a taste of his own medicine. Either way, he has clearly prioritized his cult over his family.

“No. Do you make crackers Brian?”

It might have made me gay, honestly. And damned if I don’t feel fabulous either way.

“Saylor James Cutler”

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

Worst of all? This was the text: