Jeremy Renner is to acting as Rita Ora is to singing. You know they both do it and their agents are pulling overtime to make them a “thing” (respectively) but the public just doesn’t want it. At all.

STFU, Kirstie

TOM HANKS

I once shorted a man a nickel, you would’ve thought I just ran over his grandchildren with a car made out of Matlock episodes.

Cocktail sauce is really easy! You just pour out ketchup into a mixing bowl, and then yell at it.

The after school program I attended throughout middle school was constantly bleeding cash and one step away from having to close, so they did a LOT of fundraisers. All of which seemed to be at Sizzler’s. It’s been about fifteen years since I last set foot in one, but during the years of terrible fundraisers there was…

* Tea emergencies can include but are not limited to: something bad happened; something good happened; something might happen soon but I’m waiting to see; it is the afternoon; it is the morning; something reminded me of tea; there is a social gathering that requires tea.

My mother and I were having lunch one day when I told her a story about a terrible old man I had recently worked with. He was mean to everyone. His kids, the staff at the retirement facility, passers by - everyone. I wondered aloud what makes people behave like that toward others.

Ugh, I have an old person ordering the wrong thing in Baker’s Square story. We took my 82 year old great-grandmother Christmas shopping, then stopped there for lunch. When she was looking for chicken tenders on the menu, she noticed something she had never seen or heard of before: chicken stir fry. She asked my mom…

You could always explain to them that the coffee isn’t cold, they’re merely feeling the icy grasp of the grave.

I’ve actually got a nice old people story to add this week!

Yeah, I like pie and free pie even better, but the thought of the wall-to-wall old people all wearing their demandy-pants has caused me to steer well clear.

I’ve got a used tampon for those two if they’re so concerned about women’s eggs.

Nah, you’ve heard what the Right’s been saying all along. It’s now mandatory. All straight marriages are hereby voided, and everyone has 60 days to find a person of the same sex to marry. The Gay Agenda is at last complete!

Because I don’t know where else to put this and felt like I would have betrayed you all for not sharing. Ladies, gentlemen...today...I went Hamm. (that’s me on the far right).

Pretty horrified that any adult woman raising a baby girl thinks vaginas make something “dirty.” Did she try to get her money back from her husband too?

YOU’RE GREAT AND I LIKE YOUR BRAIN AREA A LOT

Saved by the Cell.

L.L. Peen