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God Damon.

I die everyday several times when they spray Morgellons. That and my autisms flare up. What really concerns me are the INVISIBLE chemtrails. Government got so good that now you cannot even SEE when they’re spraying. Always need to carry vinegar. 5 gallon jugs get heavy, ya know.

Most recent news (from Wikipedia):

I’ve always wondered how vegetarians dealt with feeding their animals meat. Sad to know that there are people who restrict their pets diets so that they can’t eat the one thing they’re supposed to eat.

I’m a litigator. Sometimes I’ll do oral argument before the Court and think, “shit, that felt like rambling. I bet I sounded so dumb. I must do better next time.” And then I get the transcript back and I’ve spoken eloquently throughout it. Comparatively, I imagine Palin is like “nailed it” after a speech and then…

I want Kris to get two granddaughters from them that look just like Chyna.

Yes, but George, when you ruin your children, sometimes the state has to take them away from you for their own welfare.

Act like a lady, completely fuck up like a man.

That my mother was a magical princess. That all of her old ‘80s bridesmaid dresses were her old princess getup. That she had a crystal ball to keep tabs on us when she was at work. I was very, very touched and inspired that she “married down” for love, and admired her magnanimous toleration of her pushy mother-in-law…

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND APPRECIATE THE AMAZING GIFT WE’VE BEEN GIVEN.

Thus guarantying that the child will be a holy terror.

“Your parents hated other people more than they loved you. Now go play!” So fucked up.

Dude...

This was almost 20 years ago, but it still freaks me out.

I have a recurring nightmare that my husband tells me he’s gay, and I try to make it work, but the sex is just excruciating after the reveal, so we end our marriage. I always wake up afterward sweating and having a minor panic attack.

I don’t remember a lot of my weird sex dreams, so this is all I have to give

Alex Trebek. We were going to town, sweaty and frantic and he kept yelling, “Who is....your daddy?” over and over again like they phrase it on Jeopardy. Suddenly he pulled out and I was standing naked in front of the studio audience, crying.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside," which everybody who has turned 16 has discovered sounds a little bit like an ode to a midwinter's date rape (in recent years, contrarians have argued, fruitlessly, that this is not the case and that we should all go back to loving it, but that hasn't stopped the association).