It's terrifying how many grown adults need this advice!

They guy who date raped me was drunk, I was sober.

My parents pushed me into ballet and beauty pageants instead of encouraging my athletic abilities. I always will resent them for that. In my ballet class, all of the girls, save myself and another, were very small, thin and blonde. I was not fat but not thin...a normal, muscular girl. Our teacher, Pamela, lined us up…

This is depressingly true.

Very true. And a shit ton of variables: met dude at a bar 1 month ago; dated said dude 3 weeks ago, found out he deals, is homeless and was accused of murdering his deceased wife. HOLY SHIT RED FLAGS. So um needless to say his good looks trumped all of these very bad things and now I may be fertilized by his seed. And…

"dreams of one day becoming an eccentric old person who drinks bourbon out of a goblet and speaks only in movie lines uttered before 1950?" This. This is my dream for retirement.

I'm one of those idiots who thinks she's "magical," if that means unfertile. I had a cervical cancer scare a couple years ago where I had to take some gnarly drugs and was told by my doctor/gyno that I may be unable to conceive. It scared the shit out of me; I had just been dumped by my fiancée of 5 years and was…

I'm reading this while stoned.

This is bullshit. Somebody needs to tell Oprah. *Yells at Barneys: "We're telling Oprah on you! Because that's RACIST." Assholes. I hope he wins big!

Clearly, you've never tasted a sweet vag.

My father named me Vanessa after a stripper...excuse me, exotic dancer. He named my brother Jeremy after the pearl jam song and hopped right on to the normal-name-weird-spelling bandwagon by naming my sister Sarina. Could be worse, mom wanted to name me Athena...yikes. I'm totally naming my kids something unique and…

Megyn's "bitch, please," face in the above still is great.

Back when I was an AmeriCorps slave, I got transferred to a YWCA in my hometown. The ED there was psychotic. She was like Professor Umbridge in Harry Potter; short, squat, and pure evil. She also loved to wear all black to show she was a "New Yorker" (bitch was from CA) and had raccoon smudges of black eyeliner…