I carry foundation, mascara, and a couple of lip colors with me because I do all of my makeup on my way to work in the back of an uber or on a bus. I used to carry a lot more with me, but I bought a really cute purse that can’t fit all of my shit in it. Upside: it looks like Luna from Sailor Moon. Downside: I can only…

Oh look. It’s the exact issue I’m having at work. I’ve been spoken to three times in the last few weeks because of shirts being cut too low, even though it’s been established that I get most of my tanktops from Target just like every other woman I work with. They’re the same 3 for $24 ones everyone buys. Someone with…

I tried to edit it, it changed it back before I could even finish. I don’t know how to internet comedy/spread the truth to the people.

And yet they kept giving us scenes with the Kardashian children? I demand reshoots.

I’m still deciding if I should start a petition to have Connie Britton’s IMDB credit changed. She truly was at peak Morally Corrupt when all of that was happening.

The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnic is what I like to pretend is actually on her driver’s license.

I adore her. I am so glad she’s living her best life. And doesn’t wear headdresses anymore.

I just did the same thing to my G cups and laaaaaughed. I think the last time I left the house in something like this was early 1st grade. By summer after 1st grade I was an A cup.

To be fair, that guy looked like a more chiseled Mitch Hedberg.

My sister had her first and only seizure a couple years ago at work. She had a condition she didn’t know about, because her only prior symptom was frequent deja vu. The neurologist she saw said it was just a matter of time before she would’ve had one.

They seem very sweet and happy. And I completely believe that people in their communities find them to be lovely, especially with the work they do. I know and am related to several sets of twins, and I know a lot of them strive for individuality, but some dislike being apart for extended periods. Nothing to this…

Being from California (and therfore respectably stoned at almost 1 AM), I’m curious to know more about this box that Oklahoma has. Is it a gender box, literal box, or am I just completely off the mark here?

The pretend universe that the Daily Mail lives in, apparently. They love insisting they’re a legitimate news outlet.

Lilly and Lana are both transgender women. Did you really not read the article? Or headline?

He looks alarmingly like the composite sketch of what is believed to be the Zodiac Killer. My mom went to school with the sister of a victim, so she remembers that sketch really well. When I explained the whole thing to her, she said “Holy shit, I thought I was the only one who saw it."

My absolute favorite part of the whole Zodiac Killer thing is that the last known victim was killed in late 1969.

I feel like the only way to use fraudy as a word pertaining to Wall Street (or ever, since it isn’t a word) is in the following sentence: “I mean, of course we want to screw these people out of their money, but we gotta do this the right way. Nothing too fraudy.” Slight squint and a side to side hand wave required at…

I agree. They are number one on the Schmidt pain index, if Ant-man is to be believed.

I actually said, “Oh, thank god” as soon as the first one bit him. Then I hoped it wasn’t just some stupid fear hallucination he was having. I honestly wanted that whole family to just get eaten a while ago.

Elephants actually have been known to drink hundreds of liters of alcohol and rampage through villages. They’re basically all of my friends from high school.