In your defense, his name makes it seem like he could.

When A&E first ran their "Pride and Prejudice" in 1995, I saw it in the TV schedule and thought it sounded interesting. I loved it. They ran it in three 2-hour episodes. The description in the guide for the third episode said that Elizabeth and Darcy got married. It was my first experience with Jane Austen, and I…

Tom Berenger and Willem Dafoe, and it persisted after the first and second times I saw "Platoon."

And Colin First criminally underused.

Louis Black and Lewis Black are not the same person. This is especially funny if you've ever lived in Austin or if you're a big SXSW person.

Hell, I figured out "let me cut your cake with my knife" when I was 17.

No. On Hallmark, it cannot be two things.

By failing?

Ron Perlman orders someone to kill someone based on faulty evidence and then can't stop it when he learns the truth? This sounds familiar.

For once, I'm above average.

Since sharks can't talk or get ridiculous haircuts, I'd vote for that creature.

"And Planned Parenthood is out actively patrolling the streets looking for pregnant women to force into having abortions."

They'll be selling a cervical collar that you can attach to the thing so it's easier to hold it up to your ear.

I used my first iPhone for seven years. I used my first PowerBook for nine. I reluctantly gave both up when they just couldn't keep up anymore.

The second reason today to recommend you wear adult diapers. The other was a comment about producing copious amounts of bodily fluid, making it look like you'd peed in your shorts.

Absolutely. I have two I'll give you for free. One is an original 5G. It requires FireWire. The other is a 20G that displays the "sad iPod" when you turn it on. (Yes, there really is a sad iPod icon.)

Well, they sure can't kick back any of those phones. The things cost MORE THAN SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS.

They can have my Classic when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

That's almost as long as it's been since I had sex with someone else! We should totally get together and not have sex! Shouldn't be a problem, since I'm a lady and you're not so much into ladies.

Excellent point.