How much longer can this simulation keep running before the core improbability algorithms collapse and start turning flower pots into whales?

Goddamn the programming errors are REALLY compounding now.

Yeah, I didn’t start this day thinking I was going to be agreeing with Ashton Kutcher on anything, but...just another day in paradise, right?

He’ll come out behind a certain and yell "YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D EARTH!" while the nuclear bombs are in midair

Wouldn’t it be wild if this whole “Trump presidency” thing was just one long episode of the country being Punk’d?

FOX COMMENTATOR: “See, the suspect only robbed THREE banks, not the eight reported.”

In the Catholic sense, the three are actually one.

THREE. IS. A. MULTIPLE. OF. ONE!

Wow, that is utterly insane.

This is gonna be all of us in a few decades 

Oh yeah a bunch of string and pushpins will be needed...and Kind Bars...there needs to be dark chocolate and salted caramel Kind Bars.

I feel like if I don’t forward this on to ten friends, she will come after my family.

I am so confused...I need a whiteboard and an assortment of colored dry makers to figure this out.

I honestly don’t get how old this young woman is even supposed to be! 

Feel.

Right, but that was simply the right wing fake outrage machine taking advantage of a moment where the focal point just happened to be a veteran. It was basically gift-wrapped for them.

Remember when people were shitting all over Pete Davidson for making fun of this dude on SNL? The hand-wringing was gross at best. 

Was this also ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’?

Those silly communist veterans just don’t get it. Soldiers fight to make sure that corpulent, syphilitic septuagenarian WASPs can pad their already-stuffed bank accounts even further.

Seriously, if Dan Crenshaw wants to pull off this look he’s gonna have to start wearing a puffy shirt